Some people fear that God fellow.
Some people fear that Devil guy.
I fear the one who actually prefers
The toilet paper with just one ply.
Category Archives: Poems
Sir Alec Guinness, Ladies and Gents
There once was a guy named Obi
Whose surname was, weirdly, Kenobi.
Then this kid came along…
“Do you know Obi-Wan?”
And he was like “Of course I know me!”
—————————————————————
There once was a trooper, unnamed,
Who sought droids with data untamed,
But Obi’s like “Pu-lease!
“You ain’t looking for these.”
Only later trooper thought “I got gamed.”
—————————————————————
There one was a giant black guy
Who had a death star in the sky.
Obi met him one day
And was like “Ani! Hey!”
And then Obi-Wan’s like, “Guess I’ll die.”
Filed under Poems
Hence, The Dictionary
When you really think about it
All language came about
Because some caveman somewhere
Thought “Maybe I should shout
“A bunch of random nonsense,”
And someone from out of town
Thought “That would make a boring book;
“I’d better write it down!”
Filed under Poems
Remembering Amy
It doesn’t feel like a weight
But absence of a lightness;
Hours of Summer all around
And still the day lacks brightness.
A patch of graying sunlight shines
Where once there sat a friend;
I smile at it with broken lips,
And think about her end.
Scratches on the furniture
Once hidden I reveal;
I empty out the litterbox
And her uneaten meal.
I stand beside her scratching post
Without the words to say
The thanks, the pain, the memories,
And so instead I pray.
It doesn’t feel like relief
When I can breathe once more;
It isn’t warm when sunlight gray
Turns orange just like before.
But as a friend who made me smile
Returns to dust again
Her spirit naps within me
As it always has. Amen.
Filed under Poems
When You Pull On A Hangnail It Starts Bleeding
“Sometimes it feels
Like I am the undead,
A decaying body
Kept alive by a head
That is absent of thoughts,
Knowing nothing but pain
Until I can feast
On a life once again.
Some people despise me
For they think I’m a devil,
Depraved, dirty, lesser,
And not on their level.”
The doctor just smiled
And he asked me again:
“How much does it hurt,
From a 1 to a 10?”
Filed under Poems
Still Cheaper Than Student Loan Forgiveness
Somebody ought to make a theme park
Inspired by loneliness
And they only let one person in at a time,
And that one guest
Who feels sad and miserable and alone
Gets to ride roller coasters
And skip all the lines
And there’s no trash or noise
Or dirty screaming little kids
And everyone is happy.
And other lonely people come
And they ride the roller coasters too
But they have to wait
And they’re hungry and tired
And everyone is miserable
And then they all leave
And the first guest feels good again
Because they appreciate how nice it is to be alone.
Then we repeat the process 7.5 billion times
And we have world peace.
Filed under Poems
Thus, Sportsball and Gender Studies Scholarships
Super smart students
Have to pay tons of cash
To take college classes
That mostly are trash.
Super good athletes
Can study for free
And despite low grades get
The exact same degree.
The reason for this
Is confusing to some,
And I’m here to explain
Why it isn’t that dumb…
The purpose of college
I will hereby state:
“To see how much BS
“One can tolerate.”
Filed under Poems
A Promising Start
Marjorie Jean was a mysterious queen
Who brought me to a miniature land
Where pain and fear did disappear
But not a bit was bland.
She took me out on a walkabout
For a sandwich of significant size
Then we’d settle in as the games begin
Until the evening had sealed our eyes.
But the morning sun said “you’re not done”
And two cats were fondled and fed
Before M and I walked with Mr. Blue Sky
To the land where the sharks go to bed.
A party of two then suddenly grew
And so did the Marjories double.
This new, larger band celebrated as planned
With all of the expected trouble.
And so fed, I turned with my face and neck burned,
And sped off in a car doused in Axe.
One day I’ll be seen back with Marjorie Jean,
And until that day two hearts relax.
Filed under Poems
When You Write Yourself An Anniversary Poem
Nine years ago, a bright young lad
With a twinkle in his eyes
Began a grand adventure
(Which, in hindsight, wasn’t wise),
His goal to publish poetry,
Of dubious merit at best
And to do so unfailingly
Without a day of rest.
More or less that happened,
And here we stand today,
With me patting myself on the back
And you mumbling “okaaaaay?”
Thank you for continuing
To read the swill I write.
Let jollity malinger…
And with that I say good night!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 