Category Archives: Poems

Plus A Lot More 😁

I’m grateful for puppies

That eat the whipped cream

That we spray on their paws while they sleep,

I’m grateful for holidays

That involve candy

But nowhere to be seen is a Peep,

I’m grateful for readers

Who tolerate poems

That are four lines or less when I’m tired,

And I’m grateful for days

With a built-in theme

Because I can pretend I’m inspired.

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If you never rode a bicycle

From the top of dead-man’s hill

And hit 100 miles an hour

And then took a wicked spill

And sprayed your blood all everywhere

But didn’t cry one bit

Then son, you are a wussy.

If you did, you’re full of it!

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Still Better Than The New Hobbit Movies

There once was a fellow named Baggins

Who tired of old Gandalf’s naggin’s.

He stole a gold ring

From a fire snake thing

And inspired the game “Dungeons and Dragons”.

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Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)

People are always joking

About how it weirds them out

That someone grabbed a cow’s udder

And drank what came out.

But I’m wondering who

Ground some wheat with a stone

Mixed it with milk and bacteria

Then left it alone

Before heating it up

To 300 degrees

And then frying it up

With some butter and cheese…

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The Non-Holiday Season

‘Twas the night before Monday

And all through the nation

There were people in need

Of another vacation.

They’d worked all their lives

Forty hours or more,

Fighting tooth and nail

For a new higher score.

The cost of the score

Was not steep if you count

Sanity and free time

As a meager amount,

And so they awoke

To commute and check out

And that, my dear kids,

Is what work’s all about.

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He Was All Willful And Majestic And Got Reunited With His Human Friend…

Tonight we watched a movie

About a very macho horse.

Was it a beautiful film? Yes!

And an excuse for a short poem? Of course!

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Pokemon Release Day

Today I woke at 5:00 AM

To play a video game

Where I got to go to school

With a crocodile made of flame

And ride a living, dragon motorcycle

Far across the land,

Throwing balls at animals

So they’re at my command.

I took a day off work for this,

Ignored my social life,

Forgot to take a shower with

The girl who’ll be my wife.

All this is the triumph

Of a fully grown adult

Whose parents never let him buy

A pumpkin catapult.

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Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…

They make elbow pasta,

Bow ties and angel hair,

But I think they should make a noodle

For guys who have a pair:

A noodle like the balls that hang

Behind your pickup truck…

(It was at this point my girlfriend said

I’m already in luck).

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Really Strained For That Rhyme… But Seriously! I Want Meat With Little Pits For The Syrup!

They have hot dogs; they have buns.

They have lunch meat; they have pancakes.

The equivalence I want to know:

What sort of meat a pair with waffles makes.

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Maybe “Reckless” Is The Wrong Word…?

I went to a gathering of people

Who like to drink and drive,

Pull quickly into traffic…

On recklessness they thrive.

They’re the reason we have accidents

And I almost forgot to mention

That there were lots of nerds there.

It was a start wreck convention!

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