Category Archives: Poems

Not All Mentors Are Created Equal

Spring chicken, tell me what you see

Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?

It is a strange thing, to be sure,

And I’m not sure I understand it

In my mind or heart

But still I trust, for I asked and you answered

“Puckaaaawwwwww!”

I shall strive to live by those words.

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Moments Before You Realize Your Cosmic Impotence

The sky had a sun that was adorning

The sky at five a.m. in the morning.

It was bright and obnoxious

And for some reason I thought this:

“Go down now… this is your last warning.”

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It Appears To Be Awakening Even Now

An eon ago, when the earth was young

And all the people spoke one tongue

The brain had a chamber that now just slumbers

That it used for remembering friends’ phone numbers.

Legend says when it awakes

And says, “Well gosh, for goodness sakes,

“That was a spiffy power nap”

Humanity will turn to crap.

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Watch Out

There once was a clock on a wrist

That one day became rather pissed.

It said “Time isn’t real,

“So how does that feel?”

Now it is for sale on Craigslist.

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YA Dystopian Epics

Once upon a time

In a far away world

That turns out to be the USA by book 3

A brave young girl

With a stupid name

Becomes an unlikely hero

When she’s mildly inconvenienced

By an otherwise fine totalitarian system.

Alongside her trusty sensitive boyfriend

And the other dude who has no chance

But is still in the book for some reason

She will change the world…

Then she’ll do it again in book 2

In basically the same way

And then there’s a third one

Where the writer basically tells you

“War is bad,” or something

Because you kinda have to keep reading.

Her battle will be legendary

For about ten years

Until the next four-book trilogy releases.

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When Evolution Works TOO Well

You’ve heard of Brontosaurus,

You’ve heard Triceratops,

Tyrannosaurus Rex of course,

And even the Cyclops,

But there’s one ancient animal

That didn’t live for long…

And that mystery dinosaur

Is the subject of this song:

I sing of Tacosaurus,

The terror of the south,

With a crispy shell of golden corn

And veggies in its mouth!

It roamed across the world until

Plant and meat eaters both

Decided they were tasty.

“Nom nom,” did others quoth.

So died the Tacosaurus,

But paleontologists think it’s swell

That such a mighty dinosaur

Was saved by the Taco Bell.

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The Birds and the Seas

If you are a whale

Your parents probably sing

About how to safely do

The reproduction thing.

If you are a shark instead

The learning that’s essential

Is that some biting might be fun

As long as you are gentle.

If you’re in a school of fish

You’ll probably be fine

Unless you can puke out your guts

And your skin is covered in spines

Because if you’re the sea cucumber

It is my belief

You’re in a bit of danger

When teenage whales need relief…

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Survivor: Now vs. Then

They used to be marooned

On an island, all alone,

Without food or water

Or even a smartphone.

Now 16 survivors

Have to stay at a 2-star hotel

With only basic cable and

Non-organic hair gel.

In the old days, the survivors

Would compete in feats of strength,

Rewarded for success by an

Increase in isolation’s length.

Now they have to listen

As someone reads offensive tweets

And try as hard as possible

To not cry from their seats.

I guess the type of people

Who can live outside the city

Don’t sign up for TV shows

And I think that’s a pity.

Now excuse me as I watch

Carsten, Miracle, and Regan

Compete for who goes longest

Without saying “I’m a vegan.“

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This Haiku Says It All

I coughed on someone

Who got their Covid vaccine.

Why are they worried?

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Zombies in the Movies

I think zombies are romantic

And want to woo each other

With a dinner and a movie

Before they meet their partner’s mother

But the zombies get so busy

With the “having dinner part”

That they never get to see a piece

Of cinematic art.

If we give a discount

To the undead, I suspect

There will be a sharp decrease

In the number of lives they wrecked.

We need to get our zombies

To fulfill their hearts’ desires

So welcome them with open arms

Instead of killing them with fires.

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