Category Archives: Poems

Sophie’s Choice

Sophie was an average girl

With fairly average likes;

Fond of wine and dogs and soap

And mental health and hikes.

One day she was kidnapped

By a disembodied voice

Who told her she would surely die

Unless she made the choice:

Would she rather kiss someone

Who smelled liked a catcher’s mitt

That had been soaked in sour milk

And armadillo spit

While treading water in a pool

Of acid, hot as Hades

And listening to Kenny G

Play highlights of the eighties

While the Devil lit a match

And burned off all her hair…

Or, when asked where she’d like to eat

To not say “I don’t care.”

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Your Daily Self-Esteem Boost

You haven’t hit much;

Your life is all misses

But you can still write a poem

That’s better than this is.

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Also Starring: Ikea Furniture, Bad Decisions, Musclebound Shirtless Guys Who Talk About Feelings… Waaaaiiiiiit…

If they rebooted “Fight Club“

With an all-female cast

It would feature Taylor Durden

Remembering her past

When she and thousands of women

From different means and ends

Got together in a basement

And pretended to be friends

Until at last they’d had enough

And used some dynamite

To blow up buildings, and then were like

“Becky’s so cringe, right?”

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Also: Free Healthcare, Renewable Energy, And The Gyms Pay YOU

What if all the billionaires

Just stood out on the street

And walked around in circles

And challenged everyone they’d meet

To have a Pokemon battle

That they would surely lose

And give the winner money?

But alas, they’re only jews.

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This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you no longer exist

You will not be scared or sad

Annoyed, confused, or pissed;

You will not suffer any pain

Or shed a single tear,

No longer prone to earthly woes,

‘Cause you’re no longer here!

If you cease to be a thing

Nothing will cause you harm.

You won’t regret the time you wasted

On your Facebook farm.

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you’re absent from the dawn

You won’t mind when the whole world sings

“Thank God he’s finally gone!”

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Proof That Math Is Sexist

Today I realized that if

The calculator were invented today

The numbers zero, eight, and five

Would have to go away

Because 58,008

Looks like “BOOBS” upside down

And that might offend someone

And there’s actually no punchline…

The world is just that dumb.

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Penne For Your Thoughts?

What if, when the world was new

And nothing breathed and nothing grew

A race of beasts made of spaghetti

Were getting set and getting ready

To build cities, slim and tall,

In which they’d gather, one and all,

Until the dinosaurs emerged

And the noodle cities were submerged

Beneath the oceans, wide and blue,

Until they used their magic to

Bring down a stone wide as ten miles

To do away with rude reptiles.

Now, again the Earth was theirs.

Out of the ocean they built stairs

Only to find, in the dinosaurs’ place

A young and vibrant human race.

This time instead of genocide

By meteor ten miles wide

They made the human race instead

Love noodles much like they loved bread.

So when the noodle race was old

And slightly stale and very cold

They smiled, knowing all was not lost. The

Human race would make more pasta!

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Your Vocabulary Word Of The Day Is…

Sometimes it can be tough

To deal with all of your stuff,

And so the path that seems easiest

Is to be an eccedentesiast.

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Funnier If You Read It Wrong (Is That “Read” Like Read or “Read” Like Read Though?)

There once was a bass who played bass

Who wondered “Is it pronounced vase or vase?”

His leader then lead

Him to read what he read

But he wound up wounding his face.

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He Was Not A Planner…

There once was a man from Tuskaloosa

Who had no fondness for his appaloosa.

Alas, ‘twas the only kind

Of rhyming thing he could find

So he packed up and moved to Des Moines.

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