Category Archives: Poems

Watching the Debates

What you need to know about ducks

Is not as important as the fact

That every day a million fish

Are, by some birds, attacked.

Those fish cannot defend themselves

Against these violent birds

Ands it’s time for us to take a stand

And learn to use our words.

When I held political office

In a non-avian related capacity

I realized that my constituents

Viewed me as a guy with sagacity.

Because of that, I make my case

That fish deserve love too

So vote for me in 2020

And also ducks. Thank you!

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Why Mufasa Has A Handkerchief

Simba’s nose was stuffy,

And that became an issue

When the only Kleenex he could find

Was, alas, Scar tissue.

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Disclaimer: This Poem Is False… My Wife Takes A Half Marathon

My wife stole 5,280 feet

On our honeymoon cruise down the Nile.

But that’s really ok,

‘Cause you know what they say:

Give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.

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Why Philosophers Don’t Flirt (Cogito Ergo Sumthin’)

I saw Descartes sitting at the bar.

I asked “Can I buy you a beer?”

Descartes replied “I think not,”

Then I watched him disappear.

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We’re All In The Mood For A Melody (And You Know The Rest)

“I’ve got a song for you Billy,”

The executive told Mr. Joel.

“It’s a song for the sad, lonely everyman

“And the pianist has a prominent role.”

“Sounds pretty fly,” Mr. Joel said,

“And I have but one simple request:

“I think we’ll have one short piano bit

“And let harmonica guy do the rest.”

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How To Double The Size Of Your Congregation With OnePoem

The first layer of Hell is full

Of normal people. It is musty.

In the second layer are gluttons,

The slothful and the lusty.

The third layer’s for murderers,

And it smells like rotting poop.

Everyone else goes to the deepest layer

Where they play Taylor Swift on an infinite loop.

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How To Choose A Favorite Sports Team

If their best player’s white

You’re not doing it right.

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