Spring chicken, tell me what you see
Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?
It is a strange thing, to be sure,
And I’m not sure I understand it
In my mind or heart
But still I trust, for I asked and you answered
I shall strive to live by those words.
The sky had a sun that was adorning
The sky at five a.m. in the morning.
It was bright and obnoxious
And for some reason I thought this:
“Go down now… this is your last warning.”
An eon ago, when the earth was young
And all the people spoke one tongue
The brain had a chamber that now just slumbers
That it used for remembering friends’ phone numbers.
Legend says when it awakes
And says, “Well gosh, for goodness sakes,
“That was a spiffy power nap”
Humanity will turn to crap.
There once was a clock on a wrist
That one day became rather pissed.
It said “Time isn’t real,
“So how does that feel?”
Now it is for sale on Craigslist.
Once upon a time
In a far away world
That turns out to be the USA by book 3
A brave young girl
With a stupid name
Becomes an unlikely hero
When she’s mildly inconvenienced
By an otherwise fine totalitarian system.
Alongside her trusty sensitive boyfriend
And the other dude who has no chance
But is still in the book for some reason
She will change the world…
Then she’ll do it again in book 2
In basically the same way
And then there’s a third one
Where the writer basically tells you
“War is bad,” or something
Because you kinda have to keep reading.
Her battle will be legendary
For about ten years
Until the next four-book trilogy releases.
You’ve heard of Brontosaurus,
You’ve heard Triceratops,
Tyrannosaurus Rex of course,
And even the Cyclops,
But there’s one ancient animal
That didn’t live for long…
And that mystery dinosaur
Is the subject of this song:
I sing of Tacosaurus,
The terror of the south,
With a crispy shell of golden corn
And veggies in its mouth!
It roamed across the world until
Plant and meat eaters both
Decided they were tasty.
“Nom nom,” did others quoth.
So died the Tacosaurus,
But paleontologists think it’s swell
That such a mighty dinosaur
Was saved by the Taco Bell.
If you are a whale
Your parents probably sing
About how to safely do
The reproduction thing.
If you are a shark instead
The learning that’s essential
Is that some biting might be fun
As long as you are gentle.
If you’re in a school of fish
You’ll probably be fine
Unless you can puke out your guts
And your skin is covered in spines
Because if you’re the sea cucumber
It is my belief
You’re in a bit of danger
When teenage whales need relief…
They used to be marooned
On an island, all alone,
Without food or water
Or even a smartphone.
Now 16 survivors
Have to stay at a 2-star hotel
With only basic cable and
Non-organic hair gel.
In the old days, the survivors
Would compete in feats of strength,
Rewarded for success by an
Increase in isolation’s length.
Now they have to listen
As someone reads offensive tweets
And try as hard as possible
To not cry from their seats.
I guess the type of people
Who can live outside the city
Don’t sign up for TV shows
And I think that’s a pity.
Now excuse me as I watch
Carsten, Miracle, and Regan
Compete for who goes longest
Without saying “I’m a vegan.“
I coughed on someone
Who got their Covid vaccine.
Why are they worried?
I think zombies are romantic
And want to woo each other
With a dinner and a movie
Before they meet their partner’s mother
But the zombies get so busy
With the “having dinner part”
That they never get to see a piece
Of cinematic art.
If we give a discount
To the undead, I suspect
There will be a sharp decrease
In the number of lives they wrecked.
We need to get our zombies
To fulfill their hearts’ desires
So welcome them with open arms
Instead of killing them with fires.