Category Archives: Poems

Empathy Is For Other People

Sometimes I think I have a lot

Upon my figurative plate

Because I have so little time

And go to sleep too late

And then I see somebody

Working nineteen hours for minimal pay

And I go home just thinking

“What flavor pizza should I get today?”

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Classic vs. Modern Openings

Some heroes wear capes;

Some villains wear capes too;

This is effectively the same poem as

“Roses are red, violets are blue.”

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Dr. Strangelove 2, Or How The Bomb Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Herself

I wanted to ask a guy to the prom

But alas I’m a thermonuclear bomb.

Were I to go out in a pretty pink dress

I’d make the whole world feel considerable stress

And instead of the dancing and sighing and kissing

Everyone would shout “Hey, there’s a warhead that’s missing”

And before I’d say “Chill guys, you’re all being dumb”

They’d put me back with the uranium.

And so in my bunker I cry and I dream

Of a man who will see me for more than I seem,

Who’ll sweep me away for one memorable night

Even though afterwards the world won’t be alright…

But maybe a man cannot make me complete

And instead I’ll be happy as radiant heat?

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We Don’t Play To Use Effort… That’s Just Work

I found a fun video game

That simulates many ways to die.

The designers overlooked the simple fact

That survival means I’d have to try.

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Double-O One Through Six

There was a fantabulous spy

Who was put in a death trap to die.

His life then did cease

And the world knew no peace.

If you’ve never heard of him, that’s why.

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Big Brother

I accidentally deleted

My browser history

And yet the pages I visit

Show the same ads to me

About the things I’ve talked about

But never searched online

So forgive we while I move under this rock

And live there… I’ll be fine.

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How To Be Popular

If I had breath like Godzilla

And my sneeze were a nuclear blast

I still wouldn’t like playing kickball

But at least I’d get picked before last.

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There once was a noble chihuahua

Whose owner was trapped in the shower.

He flew like an ace

To bite her on the face

Then barked nonstop for 24 hours.

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Writer’s Strike or Poetic Justice?

I’m not sure which is better:

That Hollywood is on strike

Because computers can do their job better

And that they do not like

And now we won’t have any more

Reboots, remakes, or sequels?

Or that we finally see mindless machines

As movie writers’ equals?

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DC Smoothies: Now Made With 100% Sustainably Harvested Peasant Tears

It is a truth we find self-evident

That the people who make the laws

Are the type to drink turtle smoothies

With biodegradable straws.

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