Category Archives: Poems

Six Feet Apart

I saw you in your sweatpants

And your Hello Kitty mask.

Yours was the sort of presence

In which a man might bask,

But basking’s off the table

Even though it breaks my heart.

I’ll just have to admire you

From at least six feet apart!

Yeah you were hauling groceries

Into your healthy home

From which, save for essentials,

You could not, for some time, roam.

You made my dreams come true just by

Returning from the mart.

With this telescope it doesn’t seem

Like we’re six feet apart!

And when you spend your days inside

Just watching your TV

No one in your house wears pants

Which means there’s room for me.

I send you morse-code love notes

And order food for you a la carte,

Just my way of making contact

When we’re stuck six feet apart!

Now you might think I’m creepy,

That I’ve gone a bit too far

By buying you a drink

After the feds shut down the bar,

But no one will arrest me

Just for causing you a start

‘Cause they’re emptying the prisons

To keep the crooks six feet apart!

So smile on your Zoom call

And when you’re making crepes,

And smile most of all

When Amazon brings your new drapes.

I made you covet COVID

‘Cause it gave you the head start

That you needed to ensure that we

Remain six feet apart!

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There’s Still Time To Write-In Chuck Norris…

One world leader said

“Grab ’em by the pussy,”

But got elected anyway.

One would-be leader

Said “Don’t grab ’em by the pussy”

Before he did, so I guess he’s okay?

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Yours Truly, Saedifotuo

There’s a meme you may have seen

That posits the following claim:

If you spell your name backwards

It is your “Demon Name.”

Now Bob and Racecar doubt themselves

(Though Racecar already did)

And you won’t see Regina anywhere

‘Cause she already hid.

Meanwhile, poor Natasha

Has mysteriously been ignored…

Thanks for reading this poem

And I hope you’re no longer bored!

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How Ominous?

I saw an omen in the night.

I said, “You’re bad.”

It said, “You’re right.”

You say you saw the omen too.

You said, “You’re good.”

It said, “That’s true.”

I asked the omen, “How is it

“To them you’re great,

“To me you’re shit?”

The omen smiled and replied

“I choose to be

“What you decide.”

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Tossup

Hello to you, dear reader

(Or listener, if you will).

Might I suggest a simple game

Of chance instead of skill?

It’s the tossing of a silver coin

To results in heads or tails.

Your side of choice is a liquid voice

But the other side is wails.

With a heads, you’re six feet taller

Dancing circles in the sky

With a castle full of diamonds

And a friend who’ll never die,

Your wishes but a whim away

In a life devoid of loss.

I’ll even throw a dragon in

If you’ll give my coin a toss!

With a tails, six-feet under

Is a wish that won’t come true

As sky and earth and ocean

Are a nemesis to you.

You look around at all you hate

But only mirrors see,

And the dragon’s on the table still

If you’ll toss a coin with me.

Should you face a face post-flipping

You’ll have all that you can eat,

Removed from all discomforts

And immune to all deceit.

Your words will carry weight again

And the sun will always shine.

The face you face just might be yours

If you’ll flip this coin of mine!

But if that face is hidden

Hidden will your face be too

Behind your ever-aching hands

And whatever that guy threw…

There’ll be excellence around you

But the best you’ll get is fair;

It’s the risk you take for sending

My coin spinning through the air.

Should you be a coward

To avoid the loss of tails

There’ll be lemon in your water

And wind within your sails.

Should you be a hero

And pursue the wealth of heads

You’ll have no fear of failure

And a lack of empty beds.

Euphoria awaits you

In the paradise you made

With an open grave beside it

Dug by hand and fortune’s spades.

A two-faced ally in the air

Does Heaven and Hell divide

Will you be fine with good enough

Or care to pick a side?

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Playing With Fire

I’ve noticed as of late

Fortune seems to elude me,

Like the time I struck a match

And the match just up and sued me!

——————————————————–

I said “Dad, go long!”

He was twenty yards away

When I lit the fuse…

——————————————————–

God made wood flammable

Some time after day seven.

He made it burn with chemicals;

‘Twas a match made in Heaven.

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Is This Too White, I Wonder ™?

Body and bread,

Sword and sheaf;

Stalk of muscle,

Blade of leaf;

Sweet or sour,

Baked or no;

It rises within us:

Tae Kwon Dough!

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Coping With Invisibility

When I feel invisible

And that feeling makes me sad

I think of 5’11” African-American dads who play the viola, vote libertarian, and write poetry blogs

And I don’t feel so bad.

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Musicians At Nursing Homes Be Like:

I tuned my guitar

Then unplugged the beepy things.

What a quiet crowd…

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Man’s Best Friend Meets “The Man”

I was running with my dog

One Wednesday afternoon

When my puppy’s nose did spy

Malodorous raccoon.

Not the type to laugh at fate

My dog took up the chase.

Going zero to sixty in 3.2,

He should’ve won the race.

Alas, he turned a corner

Onto Lincoln Parkway South…

A german shepherd police dog

With radar gun in mouth!

I figured it was funny

Knowing the dog had snatched the gun

But funnier was how my pup

Went sixty to zero in 2.1

We got off with a growl,

The raccoon nowhere in sight.

I guess I should be grateful

That my puppy’s fur is white!

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