Certain things sound like
Exactly what they mean
Like soy latte, pumpernickel,
Kitty, spoof, and spleen.
Other words were chosen
Without their meaning in mind
Like crepe, seizure, pumpernickel,
And the “pay me” version of “fine.”
Category Archives: Poems
When Poetry Doesn’t Pay The Bills (Also, But My Books)
Today I made money
By performing tasks.
That’s why this poem’s late and bad
In case anybody asks.
Filed under Poems
Another Win For Airport Security
Bob and Jim were terrorists
With three-ounce bottles of shampoo.
Steve and Josh were anarchists
And they each had some shampoo too.
They made a bomb to kill some folks
By pooling all of their shampoo
And they would have succeeded
If Dan, with the nail clippers, had gotten through.
Filed under Poems
Honestly, It Feels Wrong To Give This Poem An Ironic Title, So I’m Just Going To Call It “Charles”
I am not the clothes I wear.
I’m not the style of my hair.
I’m not my height or weight or style,
Neither my scowl nor my smile.
All these things that you can see
Mean nothing to that which is me.
I’m what I do, or so I’ve found;
My body’s just to get around.
Filed under Poems
You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try
In a horror movie
A main character will die.
In an animated movie
Someone’s probably going to fly.
In any recent Disney movie
Someone’ll be the token gay.
In a romantic comedy
No one marries their fiancee.
In a movie with a heist
Someone will dance under lasers.
In a movie set at college
The new kid will meet hazers.
In fantasies, a hero
Will be to a dragon born,
And that’s why I don’t mind
When there is not a plot in porn.
Filed under Poems
Success Is A Choice
Somewhere past the mountains,
O’er the river, by the glade
Is a land of fame and fortune
Where a fellow might get laid.
Somewhere by my bedside
There’s chocolate cake and beer
And a whole day to play Skyrim
So my choice is pretty clear.
Filed under Poems
Did You Read The New Twilight Spinoff?
I’m proud to be half-centaur
And so are my sister and brother.
We have human legs
And a centaur’s torso
And a very satisfied mother.
Filed under Poems
The Important Person’s Guide To Everyone Else
There’s a horde of faceless people
Milling blindly in the road,
Never seeing their solutions,
Never earning what they’re owed.
They are nameless, they are faceless,
And they haven’t got a clue…
If that is what you see of them
Then that’s how they’ll see you.
Filed under Poems
Now Things Are Getting Escalated
I have a confession to make
I’m guilty of a crime:
I stole a staircase yesterday.
I took it one step at a time.
Filed under Poems
Dear People Whose Paintings Hang On The Walls Of Banks And Hotels…
Some people think art
Is how the heart speaks
And I think the heart’s saying
“Dude, your paint bottle leaks.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 