Her skin was white and milky
Like a lump of unchurned butter.
Her hair was soft and silky
Like a smooth something-or-utter.
She lived with seven midgets
With ironic, mood-based names.
She gave me a case of the fidgets
And set my life aflame…
Bitch.
Category Archives: Poems
TV Commercials, In Essence
You’re going to spend
The rest of your life
Drinking water solely
To transform into pee.
Instead get hydrated
The new, better way:
*Insert catchy jingle*
Come get an IV!
Filed under Poems
Time Management
I’ve got a flight
Tomorrow at noon.
It boards at 11:00,
An hour too soon.
I need to be
At the gate by 10:00 an’
That means to be safe
I’ll shoot for 9:07.
To get there by 9:00
I should leave around 8:00
So we’ll say 7:30
In case I run late.
I should set my alarm
To give myself time
To fully prepare
So let’s say 6:09.
When you figure in traffic,
Potential assaults,
The phase of the moon,
And seismological faults
I left yesterday
At 11:08
All the while disappointed
That I’ll probably be late.
Filed under Poems
I Realized Recently That I Have Been Writing Very Short Poems With Extremely Long Titles, And I’d Just Like To Say That After Today That Won’t Happen Anymore… Probably
I’m just sayin’.
Feel free to weigh in.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
As It Turns Out History Is Not My Strongest Subject – Thus The Extra “D”
You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”
But have you heard the talk
Of my upcoming X-rated sequel
All about John Handcock?
Filed under Poems
For Jimi And Prince: May They Forever Rock (And Roll Over In Their Graves)
Purple rain
Is such a pain.
Purple haze
Will not amaze.
For purple weather
That’s really neat
You need to try out
Purple sleet!
Like solid water
Or saggy snow
Purple Sleet’s
The way to go.
You doubt me? Ask
A friendly pilot:
There’s no sleet like
Sleet that is violet.
When hail’s too hard
And rain’s too gray
Don’t bid the clouds
To go away.
Instead you’ll wish
(Unless you’re dumb)
For slush to fall
That’s colored plum.
Purple Sleet
Will enlarge your meat.
It’s organic and part
Of a breakfast complete.
So when you’re blue
And just can’t cope
And some red to your slush:
Your sleet’s heliotrope!
Filed under Poems
Back To The Future XVII
Today is my birthday.
I’m seven days old.
From now on when they tell me
“Park the DeLorean”
I’ll do what I’m told.
Filed under Poems
Honestly This Is The Best Joke I Can Come Up With Tonight… So In That Sense The Poem Is Honest
I lied to you this evening
When I said that I was fine.
Truth is I feel rusty
Like I used WD-39.
Filed under Poems
The Sexiest Acronym
There’s this fellow they call Y.I.
Everyone wants to F him, but why?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 