I’ve got a real shindig
For those wallflowers out there.
I’ve got seats in every corner
To sit silently and stare.
I’m not saying it’ll get crazy,
But heck, you never know!
All y’all are invited.
BYO H2O.
Category Archives: Poems
Unusual Tastes
Someone put Mayo on my lucky charms.
These pranks have to stop!
How am I supposed to taste my Sriracha
Through all that eggy glop?
Filed under Poems
Spam Has Feelings Too
Sure, I send love notes
To quite a long list
Of folks who viewed websites
Your firewall missed.
One day I’ll be Rachel,
Then April or Pam.
I’m whomever you like
If you check out my cam.
My purpose of being
Is simply to please.
I’ll make your face a colon
With a parantheses. 🙂
Sure I’m a robot,
But please don’t be irked.
I’ll love you like Siri
If she actually worked.
Filed under Poems
Why My Fitness Starts In February
He’s running backwards on the treadmill,
She’s failing to do a squat,
And that guy with the free weights
Is doing who know’s what.
They try not to laugh at her
And not to stare at him.
It’s every fit guy’s nightmare:
January at the gym.
Filed under Poems
A Courteous Reply To Billy Joel
I know you want me to sing you a song
‘Cause you’re feeling okey-dokey.
But I don’t sing. I’m the Piano Man.
Why don’t y’all go and sing Karaoke?
Filed under Poems
A Good Year… So Far
I’ve exercised every day so far!
I’ve been a better lay so far!
I’ve eaten healthy food so far!
I haven’t even been rude so far!
I’ve been cheerful, smart, and nice so far,
And only been driven to kill some jerk who’s not as fit, healthy, sexy, and friendly as me twice…
So far.
Filed under Poems
Domestic Departure
Her skin smells of home
Like a freshly-cooked meal.
Her hair gleams in the sun.
Like a newly mopped floor.
Her eyes are as blue
As just-cleaned toilet water.
Too bad she doesn’t
Live here anymore.
Filed under Poems
Better Travesties – Next Time
Next year I resolve
Not to write these dumb haikus.
Glad it’s still this year!
Filed under Poems
“Resolutions,” by M. Night Shyamalan
I resolve in 2016
To become a manly man,
To give compliments to strangers
And save money when I can.
But what I haven’t told you
Is I lure strangers to my house
And spend their money instead of mine,
And, oh yeah! I’m a mouse.
Filed under Poems
This Bugs Me
A solid block of milk
Hits a grown up caterpillar
Who bursts into tears.
The butter flies,
The moth bawls.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 