We lost one hour
When we got out of bed.
Next year let’s do it
On a Monday instead.
Category Archives: Poems
But I mean Well
I’m the type of friend
That gets called at 3:00 AM
By a buddy in a ditch
Needing someone to help them.
I’m the type of friend
Who will drive a hundred miles
At 90 miles an hour
To see tears turn into smiles.
I’m the type of friend
Who hits pedestrians
Because I do not sleep.
Yep, I’m that type of friend.
Filed under Poems
Installing Updates
Only on Windows
Does “100% complete”
Mean “Go get a donut,
Go see that movie,
Go create world peace,
Then come back and see
‘18% complete.'”
Stranded In Paradise
I’ve been here
For a hundred days,
All by myself
With the ocean waves.
Now normally
I would be pleased
With this sunny weather
And ocean breeze,
All the free food
I can eat,
But I’m lonely.
There’s no one here to meet.
I haven’t spoken
Or had human contact
Since my nav equipment
Got out-of-whack’ed.
I wrote a message
In the sand,
Hoping a rescue
Had been planned.
Then on the day
One-hundred and one
I got a message
From someone.
A bottle floated
Onto my beach,
A letter inside
Just beyond my reach.
I made a rope
Of jungle vines,
Some of my hair,
And survival twines.
I climbed down a cliff
And grabbed my hope.
I popped the cork
And read the note.
“Hi there stranger!
“This game’s a rush!
“Come join me
“On Candy Crush!”
My sandy message is gone
Without a trace.
I no longer miss
The human race.
Filed under Poems
Pagan Pickup Lines
Baby, I want you to know
I’d sacrifice anything for your love.
Say the word and I’ll do it,
Be it goat, virgin, or dove.
Filed under Poems
Um, Yeah, You Kinda Do…
When you slip on a banana
While you wish upon a star.
When you’re whistling Santana
And someone steals your car.
When you order Cappuccino
But you’re served Americano.
When your spelunk with Al Pacino
And you get covered in guano.
Whenever great things happen
Followed by a social gaffe…
Sure, that stuff is funny
But you don’t have to laugh!
Filed under Poems
Robin’s Faux-Pas
As I lay in the dust,
My body broken,
My blood pooling into a lake
I remembered saying
“At least I’m not an orphan.”
Sorry Batman, my mistake.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Talk To Strangers, AKA Board Games
I walked up to a stranger
And promptly said “I’m bored.”
Turns out he’s a genie.
“I’ve heard your wish, my lord.”
Alas, the genie’s spelling
Was unfortunately poor,
And that’s the tale of how
I became a two-by-four.
Filed under Poems
Yay Democracy!
Trying to fix politics
By working from within
Is like using a trowel
To fill the Grand Canyon in.
Alas, fixing politics
By showing up to vote
Is like taking that same trowel
To South Dakota via boat.
Filed under Poems
