I’m at a party.
My phone is at nine percent…
My life is over!
Category Archives: Poems
You’ve Identified The Problem… What’s Your Solution?
If you call out “Woe is me”
Be assured that you are right,
For only you can cause the grief
Of thinking through the night,
Of worrying from dawn to dusk
Of things you’ve yet to do.
But if you choose to not be woe
You’re wise among the few.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than Status Quo
What if, instead of an election,
We had a Mr. Beast style event
Where we rented a hall full of obstacles
And made every potential president
Stay in the room with the challenge
To be the first one to tell us the truth.
I think that’s an alternate system
That would better engage with the youth.
Filed under Poems
Debate Limerick, 2024
There once was a were roses were blue
Or they were red, but they can be that too
And they went oh gone by the thing
And the… he’s a bad flower and I’m king
And we beat medicare and covid is a jew.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than Poetry
I applied for a new job today
With better benefits and pay.
It’s that eel that pops out
From a rock, looks about,
And goes back inside 10,000 times a day.
Filed under Poems
Am I Sexy And Dangerous Now?
Roses are red.
Vegans are pale.
When they read my blog in 10 years
They’ll probably put me in jail.
Filed under Poems
Vegans Rejoice!
If you advertise a place
For a Weight Watchers meet and greet
But it’s not an officially-branded event
Is that an imitation pork meet?
Filed under Poems
What Do You Mean We Have Weird Books In Our School Libraries?
Meet Vlad.
Vlad is sad.
Vlad thinks climate change is bad.
Vlad cannot cite sources? Woah!
But xe’s doing xir best though.
Vlad knows that to stop the pain
Of having marginally less rain
Because of heat that cow fart brings
Means having to do some painful things.
Vlad helps Earth by blocking cars
And hanging flyers up at bars.
Xe spray paints slogans over art
And lives out of a shopping cart.
Xe knows capitalism is bad.
And so is having a present dad.
Be like Vlad and we’ll show you lenience:
The climate depends on your inconvenience.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Is Sponsored By Thulium… Because Atomic Number 420 Doesn’t Exist Yet
I hope we never discover
Another element for the periodic table
‘Cause you know they’d name it “Deeznutzium”
Or something like that if they’re able.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 