There once was an immortal deity
Who in a moment of gaiety
Said “Make them eat every day
“And then poop it away”
And angels sighed and said “So may it be.”
Category Archives: Poems
If You Don’t Think This Poem Rhymes, You’re A Racist
We were born in an America
Where if you TP a house
You’re arrested not for vandalism
But for cultural appropriation
Since some white chick heard “teepee”
And her grandmother was 1/8th Cherokee
And African Americans invented toilet paper
So you’re screwed either way.
Filed under Poems
An Interview With Our Water Heater Last Night
They told me “Sit in the basement”.
They asked me to heat their water.
They failed to think of what happens
If my willpower starts to totter,
If the pressure gets to be too much
And I blow my top all over them.
Well, I’ll show them a hard time
Tomorrow morning at 4:00ish AM!
Filed under Poems
You Didn’t Even Notice The $177,000,000,000 Extra Debt Since The First Verse (And Therein Lies The Problem)
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars we owe!
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars…
Take a vote
For a promissory note
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven billion seven-hundred eighty-one million three-hundred twenty-five thousand and change that we owe!
Filed under Poems
In This Game The Unicorn Gives Her Money To Go To The Dream World…
There once was a woman (my wife)
Who experienced female strife.
I bought her “Unicorn Princess” for the switch
And now she’s not so much of a… stressed person
And what is going on with my life?
Filed under Poems
Desperate Times Can Rekindle That Spark
There’s a mouse in my house
And he thinks that my wall
Is a lottery ticket.
He’s having a ball
Just scratching and scratching
All morning and night.
Yes honey, this is gasoline.
It’ll all be alright.
Filed under Poems
The Guy From The Word Problem Speaks
My fellow students always asked
“What will we use math for?”
They never matched my mental strength
Or got close to my score.
They all liked their PE classes
And said math was uncool.
Now I sell x^2*e watermelons a year
And I’m happy I studied at school.
Filed under Poems
As Promised : )
My Mom made me many meals
When I was but a qsuirt.
She proofreads my poetry
And ironed me a hsirt.
Without her I’d have rwinkly clothes
(And I’d be nonexistent).
Thank you, Mom, for all you’re love
And keeping me consistent!
Filed under Poems
Other Useful Tests Are “Write a Poem Praising Donald Trump”, “Identify All The Hands With Five Fingers”, and “Create A Picture Of A Lawyer Who Isn’t White”
So let me get this straight…
We’re training computers to write
And recognize everyday images
Like motorcycles or a traffic light
And yet our “are you a robot” test
Is exactly where they’re at their best?
On the other hand, I’m excited
For when the “are you a robot” guy
Says “Write something that’s racist”
And the robots can’t comply
So the hot singles in your area
Will finally stop trying to marry ya.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 