Today I made some cheesecake
That I got from a mix.
I mixed a lime and whipping cream
With several cream cheese sticks,
But when I picked the mixer
To taste the final yum
I realized I forgot to add the mix
And yes, I’m really that dumb!
Today I made some cheesecake
That I got from a mix.
I mixed a lime and whipping cream
With several cream cheese sticks,
But when I picked the mixer
To taste the final yum
I realized I forgot to add the mix
And yes, I’m really that dumb!
Filed under Poems
My lady likes a hairy man
Who eats his food straight from a can,
Walks silently around the house
And saved her from a wild mouse.
Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.
Around him she lets down her guard.
He can snuggle up at night
And make the whole world feel alright.
She likes the feeling of his tongue,
Not worried he’s no longer young.
The only worry I have is that
Is this guy me, or is it her cat?
Filed under Poems
Worcestershire and Draught
Were about to get married,
In love for the rest of their life
But the priest looked upset,
And said “I am sorry
“But I can’t pronounce you, husband and wife.”
Filed under Poems
My mommy was a mother
Since before I was a brother
To my sister, and she kissed her
And tucked her into bed.
Then my mommy had another
(That was me), and then no other;
She was done, and though now I’m fun
Back then we cried ‘til fed.
And feed us well my mother did,
Both me and that darn other kid,
And I’ve attested she never rested
‘Til we kids were satisfied.
Then we got bigger and less cute;
One could walk and one could scoot,
After baby-proofing and pillow floofing
She probably wanted to hide.
Alas, we found her hiding places
And made her wipe our snotty faces.
She loved us still, despite the thrill
Having long since departed.
And then we started going to school,
Which meant less time mopping our drool.
With phlegmless floors she still did chores
As we laughed and said “I farted.”
And even when my sister was bad
(I never was, just ask our dad)
With grace and calm she’d slap her palm
Anywhere but on our faces.
When we got big and pubescent
She gave us the finest present
Like love and stuff, always enough
Yet gave us private spaces.
And oh the years of meals she cooked,
Though overworked and overlooked!
Oh the the years and sweat and tears
Endured by her for us! She
Will be remembered evermore,
For all of this, but even more:
She inspired my art. She’s old, but not a fart.
I end this poem thusly.
Filed under Poems
I know a guy who never buys anything
Unless he can find it on sale.
I know another who loves unicorns;
They’re both into fair retails.
Filed under Poems
I love you
With all my heart,
Like hobos love
A shopping cart,
Like children laugh
When people fart,
When we are near
Or far apart.
Filed under Poems
“What comes up must come down”
My teacher told me with a frown,
But here’s a thing that I don’t get:
Why isn’t that true for government debt?
Filed under Poems
I took a nap and pet a cat
And read a book and brushed a horse
And now I write a poem about that
That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.
Some days you will stress and struggle;
Some days you’ll complain and whine.
Today I smiled and chose to snuggle
A ginger angel, mine all mine.
Filed under Poems
Some people spend their lives
Trying hard to do things right,
Making perfectly circular pizzas
And working through the night.
Other people live their lives
By doing what is fun
Though the pizza ends up looking
Like art the family dog has done.
Perfectionists unite, I say
And make the rocket ships
While the do-it-my-way folks
Make new flavors for the chips.
The harmony is perfect
Though perfectionists will glare
Because the have-some-funners
Smile back without a care.
But if the pizza’s spherical
Instead of round and flat
Take a bite: It tastes all right
And you’re the first to make it that!
Filed under Poems
Today it rained in the morning,
From dawn ‘til the sunset was yella’
And I saw the craziest out-of-town guy
Who for some reason had an umbrella!
Filed under Poems