Let me walk you through a moment
Of what I call “being me.”
Instead of streaming music
And paying a monthly fee
I plugged in my computer
From around 2008,
Pressed power on at 6:15
And it booted up by 8:00,
Loaded up my iTunes
From before it was an app
Then uploaded some files
That will make my right foot tap,
Plugged in my phone and synced it
For an hour and a half
Then enjoyed my music free of charge
With a joyful millennial laugh.
Filed under Poems
Apple sent me their terms and conditions
But my wife said “You don’t have to read it.”
So I listened to my wife
And now my eternal life…
Well, turns out I have to concede it.
Filed under Poems
For a few months my iPhone
Had eight hours of life between charges,
Then the next model released
And my phone bill suddenly enlarges.
Oh, an update to iOS x+1?
That sounds like an important step.
Did it drop my battery life by 20 percent?
Unsurprisingly, that’s a big “yep”.
“It’s ok”, says my telephone rep.
“You can upgrade today for free.
“You’ll just change your phone number
“And sign here in blood
“And pay for 69 months interest-free!”
And so, in a rage, I go shopping
For whatever Android people buy,
Then I remember how all my app data
Only works if my phone has an “i”
And I slink to my room where my charger
Sits happily waiting to go.
I’ll repeat this emotional process
Every year for a lifetime or so.
Filed under Poems
They announced today that Apple
Will be adding ChatGPT
Directly into devices
And integrating it with Siri.
They’re acting like that’s fancy
But I think it’s no cause for cheers…
Hollywood’s had ChatGPT
In theaters for years.
Filed under Poems
There once was a serpent, who hissed
“Hey woman, don’t you feel pissed?
“Here’s some fruit; have a bite!”
And the girl said, “Alright”
And now the world’s all like… well, this!
Filed under Poems
I asked how she was feeling
And she said “Around 90%.”
That’s when I said
“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”
And that’s how my Wednesday went.
Filed under Poems
On my iPad
I can write,
Listen to music
Or make my own.
I make spreadsheets,
Surf the web,
And instantly sync
With my iPhone.
I can download
All the knowlege
Of humanity
Or pics of a cat.
By default it has everything
I could want
Except a calculator,
‘Cause who needs that?
You tell me how much time I waste
And predict my musical taste.
You hold my apps. My photos too.
Where would “i” be without you.
You give me guidance when I’m lost.
You’re worth my monthly data cost.
When I’m lonely on the road
I swipe to wake you and enter my code
And there I am! Right back at home.
In a pinch, you’re a mirror for my comb.
You light the darkness, check my mail,
Encourage me to “play again” when I fail.
You’ll be with me night and day.
To all your thoughts I’ll click OK.
So phone of mine, I cannot lie:
You are the Apple of my “i.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 