I’m a hundred miles from home
And I’m all topped off on gas.
I’ve got four all-weather tires
To propel me past the pass.
I’ve got all my tunes on CD-rom
And 12 donuts ready to bite.
I’m ninety-nine miles from home now
And there’s the check engine light…
Filed under Poems
Imagine a world where all is at peace,
A world without hunger or toil,
And ponder how easy a thing it would be
To go bomb them and take all their oil.
Filed under Poems
I suspect between 476-1450 AD
The pedophiles cried and raged
Because even the youngest of children
Were all still middle aged.
Filed under Poems
So I was dating May
Until she moved away,
And then I dated Jenny
But she stole my lucky penny,
So I started dating Morgan
But she worshipped Demogorgon,
And now I’m dating Ted
‘Cause ladies loco in the head.
Filed under Poems
So you know when you’re in public
And you kinda need to poop
So you go into the restroom
And kinda do a stoop
And pray that all the excrement
That needs to leave your bum
Will flow into the toilet
Before your knees get numb?
You wait and wait for seven years
(The watch would say 1 minute)
‘Til you let loose a bunny turd
And you say, “That’s good, innit?”
And then you do the little walk
Back to the restaurant table
And though you still have to poop
You also want to seem mentally stable?
Filed under Poems
I asked my wife for a random word
To inspire my poem tonight.
Here eyes went wide, her gaze went blank,
And she went towards the light.
Now alone and uninspired
I type this tepid verse
But at least it’s quiet in the house
So I guess it could be worse.
Filed under Poems
If you’re thinking of a career change
One job has quite low stress:
Suicide bombers will always retire
Right after their greatest success.
Filed under Poems
To all of you who laughed at me
When I said “Dragons are real”
I present you: California.
Now how do you feel?
Filed under Poems
With the recent rise of terrorism
And assassination attempts, please
Remember it was Robert Selander (Mastercard CEO)
Who invented “Convenience Fees”.
Filed under Poems
I think we need a theme park
Called IQ Test Land
Where every ride is deadly
(Intentionally planned)
And a prize will be given
To the one lucky guest
Who survives on the rides
Longer than all the rest.
It’s not a solution
Without any flaws
And may be against
International laws
But in the week that its open
The world will be cleared
Of many a person
Who think seat belts are weird.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 