So in the warm parts of the world
Where the snow never falls in December
Do they still play the same Christmas carols
Or some songs Northerners don’t remember
Like “I want a gator for Christmas”
Or “Chestnuts roasting in a forest fire”
Or my particular favorite:
“There’s no snow to shovel when I retire”?
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Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
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It’s the holiday season
Which is great for this reason:
It’s the only time of the year
That fully guilt-free
You can cut down a tree
And tell people “Don’t come in here!”
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The tree is up
The lights are hung
The gifts are wrapped
And stockings strung
The mistle’s toed
Now all I seek
Is to delay the music
For one more week.
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So I heard the angels singing
All the graces of this inn
But I’ll giveth just one star.
O! Where do I begin?
For one thing, our promised room
Was right next to a manger
And to add to ennui
And sense of mortal danger
Some virgin on a donkey
Gave birth during the night.
The manager didst told me
They’d make everything alright.
I askethed for a refund
But the innkeep said “Maybe
“Instead of giving you a refund
We’ll give gold to the baby?”
If you’re visiting Bethlehem
Know this hotel is very shit.
Also, smelled like myrrh.
-Yelp Review from “Iscariot”
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Today it was Christmas
And Christmas was done.
This poem is only smaller
Than my desire to go for a run.
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The trees are all decked
With ornaments grand,
The stockings are stuffed
And the peaches are canned,
The sweatshirts are laundered
And the clouds are thundering
And the ointment is working
In case you were wondering.
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Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
A long night ahead with not much rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
The elves made toys
For good girls and boys
But what the kids today enjoy’s
An iThingy
In 4k HD
With a USB
And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Nine deer flew but just six came back
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chimneyless homes
With their bulletproof domes
Are wherever he roams
Gluten free cookie lasses
Left him soy milk glasses
Which make him pass gasses
So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Fifteen elves still employed at best
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest
So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
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If you’re in a creative slump
With no ideas at all
Recall the Christmas ornament guy
Who said, “How ‘bout a ball?”
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‘Twas the night before… wait!
It’s not even December!
But apparently networks
Just never remember
That the time for the snowflakes
And Santa and carols
Can wait for the Winter
And family perils.
For now, I commend those
Who’re still round from turkey.
The fate of the others
Is much, much more murky.
But as we hear songs
In the stores and the stations
We endure in our silence
And summon our patience
For a time will come soon
When the jewelry ads play
And we’ll all long for Christmas,
Not Valentine’s day.
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The Daily Travesty 