There was a thump by the fireplace
So I snuck out to see
If I could catch old Santa Claus
Putting gifts beneath the tree.
Sure enough, that fat jolly elf
Was supplying Christmas cheer
While muttering curses to himself,
Halfway through a six-pack of beer.
“Hi Santa”, I said, then charmingly smiled.
Saint Nick jumped a foot in the air.
“What on earth are you doing, young innocent child?
“It’s way past bed time. Don’t you care?”
And so I was stuck in a Catch-22:
To say that I cared was a lie
And as any child my age surely knew
That would make my presents go goodbye
But to say I don’t care about bed time
Is naughty list stuff (or adjacent)
So I smiled and said, “Oops, off to bed!”
And I went to my room to be patient.
Next morning I woke and discovered, delighted,
My gifts were still under the tree
So that drunk so-and-so who guffaws “ho-ho-ho”
Must be naughtier even than me?
The Daily Travesty 