Snow and presents,
Carols, nostalgia.
Yes, ’tis the season
And that’s why I called ‘ya.
We had a great year.
Yeah, the kids are alright.
I’m glad you’re my family.
Call you next year. Good night.
Tag Archives: Christmas
Unintended Consequences
‘Twas two days before Christmas
And filling the sky
Were Amazon.com drones
Sent by those who clicked “buy.”
The children looked up
And they felt the lie slipping.
Parents said “Santa outsourced
“To get next day shipping.”
The children relaxed,
Curiosity sated
And went to their rooms
And for Christmas eve waited.
Meanwhile in Alaska
Somewhere near North Pole
Rudolph stood in line
To get on the state’s dole,
To collect unemployment
For now he could see
That his job, thanks to robots,
Had gone down in history.
Filed under Poems
Shouldn’t We Be Celebrating Veteran’s Day By Now?
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A holiday that lasted less than two months
That I didn’t have to hear or see.
Filed under Poems
We Won’t Even Go Into The “Mom’s A Virgin” Thing
One of the beloved songs
Is titled “Silent Night,”
Of story of a night where all
Is calm and all is bright.
With the writer of the song
I want to have a chat.
A silent night where all is bright?
What kind of night is that?
Filed under Poems
I Like Trees More Anyway
Today is the day
The trees come inside
And the children go out
In the ice and the snow.*
Why we bring in trees
Is a mystery to me
And why we take back the kids
I don’t rightfully know.
*If you looked at this asterisk
You may not be from Minnesota
Filed under Poems
How Many Of Us?
Christmas day
Is almost past.
The next Christmas song
Could be the last.
Santa’s unpacked
His magic sleigh,
Yet the in-laws
Still won’t go away…
Filed under Poems
A Constipated Mind
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And things were amiss.
A poet was blocked up
And so he wrote this.
But you’ve all got presents
And family and junk,
So I hope you’ll forgive me
This holiday funk.
And if you lack junk,
Family, and gifts,
Let’s hope that next year
Your luck favorably shifts.
Filed under Poems
Chocolate and Jewelry: Done
‘Twas two days before Christmas
And off at the mall
Were all of the husbands
Who dropped the gift ball.
Filed under Poems
A Forward-Thinking Fellow
I raised my chimney nine inches
When I remodeled my home.
It makes the opening hard to reach
For a reindeer, elf, or gnome,
So I installed a dumbwaiter
To help the givers out.
It makes it hard to build a fire,
But I feel like it gives me clout.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the Month Before Christmas
The reindeer grew impatient.
They’d not flown for a year,
And so had entertained themselves
With dirty jokes and beer.
The big night was six weeks away.
They wanted to hit the gym,
But they had to have permission from
The one, the only… Him.
So Cupid and Vixen volunteered
To do some good deer/bad deer
And get their training authorized
By mister snowy-white beard.
“Mista Claus?” Cupid asked
In her Boston reindeer drawl.
“Our bellies all got really big
And our muscles super small.”
The big red suit stayed silent
Giving no indication,
So Vixen thought the time was ripe
For some intimidation.
She leapt upon his table
And wished that she had antlers.
She smashed a few of Santa’s toys
And three vodka decanters.
Cupid saw it coming
But a few seconds too late:
Santa’s eyes got angry,
And Vixen was served on a plate.
Seven subdued reindeer
Resumed their aimless days,
Their hopes of strength forsaken
By the mounting Christmas haze.
Four weeks later, the seven awoke
To a burning reddish glare.
A red-nosed reindeer robot
Was flying through the air.
They knew at once they’d been replaced,
And that they’d have to go
To avoid poor Vixen’s fate,
Come the next Ho-Ho-Ho.
So somewhere in Alaska
Seven flabby caribou
Seek someone to fly away with them.
Perhaps it will be you?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 