There twice was an unlikeable chick
Who expressed her detractors were “Ick”.
She lost to a man
With a very fake tan
And I’m not opposed to the schtick.
Tag Archives: Election
Dear Every Channel Today, Apparently…
If you feel the need to change our minds
Two days before our votes are cast
I suggest that your campaign was crap
And the time for changing minds has passed.
Filed under Poems
Being 30
I voted today for the president.
Then with my civic duty complete
I played Mario Party with teenagers
And had waffles with whipped cream to eat.
Filed under Poems
Four Years Is A Long Time To Not Be Held Accountable
If we held an election
Every 3 months, I’ve found
That three months before each election
The price of gas would go down,
Mortgage and interest rates lower,
Groceries cost less to buy,
And if your candidate loses
You only suffer three months of “that guy.”
Filed under Poems
The Menace Is No Longer Phantom
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
Happy Election Day!
Today, America extends a query
To test the ever-popular theory
And forever end the debate
About whether love is stronger than hate.
We’re given two men with no virtues to note
And told it’s important to go out and vote.
One choice is to vote that you love Barron’s dad,
Or else just to vote that you think “Orange Man Bad.”
As for the white guy who’ll earn half the votes
Who creeps people out and has quotable quotes…
One guy will win, half the nation will cry,
And celebrities still won’t move to Canada… sigh.
Filed under Poems
Maybe This Is Why That Sub-Genre Is Dead
You know Jumanji,
Zathura and such –
Those movies where board games
Get to be a bit much?
I think this election
Is the Jumanji-equivalent
Of Monopoly, where rich people
Make voters ambivalent.
Filed under Poems
And The Results Aren’t Even In!
Tonight in America…
All I’ve got to say
Is that yesterday’s poem
Is fading farther away.
Okay, I lied.
Either way four more years
Of falling stock values
And high sales of beers.
Filed under Poems
It Works For Both Of Them
It’s 3:00 AM
And there’s nothing to eat
So I mudered my neighbors
And fried up their meat.
Then I turned on the news
And what did I see
But “2016 Election Coverage”
And a picture of me. 🙂
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 