My forehead is sunburnt
And peeling a bit.
My wife, for some reason,
Is playing with it,
Peeling my flesh off
With childish glee
And I love that I found someone
Weirder than me.
Tag Archives: Gross
I’m Sorry I Asked
“Why do you have a dog poop bag
“If you don’t have a dog?“
“I still have poop though, don’t I?“
-Conversations from my jog
Filed under Poems
The Little Things
You know when you’re eating the pasta
That’s shaped liked a little wheat shell
And they stick on your tongue while you eat them
And you feel like the whole world is well?
Or how ‘bout when you’re dehydrated
And your pee is all yellow and bright
And the pee-water gets kinda cloudy
And you flush and it all feels alright?
I like that just-popped-a-zit feeling
And that “earwax is washed away” calm.
It’s just me? That may be, but I’m hoping
You find your own commonplace balm.
Filed under Poems
Dear IRS…
If I had a yeasty codpiece
That was trolled through mud and sludge
And then ground into a powder
And baked into a toxic fudge
That was fed to pigs with cholera
Who shat it into a vial
I’d rather take a shot of it
Than pay you to e-file.
Filed under Poems
Hands First Or Balls First?
There are two types of bathers
That I have come upon:
The type who take the bar of soap
And rub, rub, rub it on
And the type who see the bar of soap
And never, ever use it
‘Cause they know the other bather
And how often they abuse it.
Filed under Poems
A Potion For Happiness
Start with a cold cup of water
With an ice cube or two to be sure,
Then pour in some lemon and iodine
And crack in an egg, raw and pure.
Whisk it with vigor and emphasis
Then plop in a gobbet of spit.
Your potion is done! Now go find someone,
And into their face you toss it!
Filed under Poems
The Power Of Comparison
If you ask guests at a restaurant
“Would you like to try the lamb?”
They might say “yes”, or maybe “no”,
Or “I don’t give a damn.”
But if you ask those same guests
If they prefer starfish tartar
You’ll find them much more likely
To prefer the lamb by far.
Filed under Poems
Man’s Favorite Hobby
Sometimes you go to the bathroom
To just get away from it all
Or sometimes you make a poop
That’s the color of Darth Maul.
They both take about the same time
To finish, which is alright.
I did one while writing this poem
So you’re welcome. Now good night.
Filed under Poems
Butt Why?
If you think your job is bad
I think I’ve got you bested:
Today I read on a rectal thermometer
“Each unit individually tested.”
Filed under Poems
Plus Now The Taxidermist Has An Amazing Story!
Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.
Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.
I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out
But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 