And Jesus told the apostles
“One of you will betray me”.
And the apostles looked at each other
And said in unison, “We disagree.”
And so Jesus kept on living
And everyone kept sinning freely
And God queued up yet another flood
While mumbling to himself, “Really…?”
Filed under Poems
When the Roman Empire fell
People thought “This isn’t swell”
And for a while they were right
And all the world was dark as night.
Then a guy named Gutenberg
Turned out to be a giant nerd
And invented a thing called a printing press
Which writers say reduced their stress.
After this, a rennaissance
Began, and then a war in France
And freedom became the big buzzword
That people gravitated toward.
Now as another empire falls
I wish we’d have the collective balls
To look how we got in this mess
And demand they bring back the printing press.
Filed under Poems
I wonder if Julius Caesar
Had been given a manlier name
He wouldn’t have needed to conquer so much
And the world would never be the same.
Filed under Poems
People always say
“I miss the good old days”
But I think that’s misguided
In many different ways,
Chief of which is that
Although they made so many gargoyles
And so many fountains
The two were very seldom combined,
Which means we’ve had thousands of years
That could have had gargling gargoyles
And yet we got garden gnomes.
Filed under Poems
What if, when the world was new
And nothing breathed and nothing grew
A race of beasts made of spaghetti
Were getting set and getting ready
To build cities, slim and tall,
In which they’d gather, one and all,
Until the dinosaurs emerged
And the noodle cities were submerged
Beneath the oceans, wide and blue,
Until they used their magic to
Bring down a stone wide as ten miles
To do away with rude reptiles.
Now, again the Earth was theirs.
Out of the ocean they built stairs
Only to find, in the dinosaurs’ place
A young and vibrant human race.
This time instead of genocide
By meteor ten miles wide
They made the human race instead
Love noodles much like they loved bread.
So when the noodle race was old
And slightly stale and very cold
They smiled, knowing all was not lost. The
Human race would make more pasta!
Filed under Poems
Every lovely girl I meet
Reminds me of what I dreamt:
That I would bring them home with me
As someone neat and kempt
But by the time the night, once young,
Is now a morning younger
I shall inspire in the girl
An animalistic hunger,
And in the dark of night we’ll join,
Two bodies, bare and lithe;
Two sides, one body, like a coin,
And ‘til the dawn we’ll writhe.
So it happened with a girl
When she and I were new.
She wore not more than sun-kissed skin
And didn’t have a clue.
I brought her to the place I call
My home, but I soon saw she
Was more inclined to eat my fruit
Than make a man of me.
As she bit the apple, I
Was filled with a vengeful thought;
If I could not catch that girl’s eye
So too other men would not.
I tensed my body, spouting curses
And made all men to come
Be mocked for wanting to be nurses
And also bald and dumb.
God saw what I did to man
And said, “Ok, that’s fair.”
Then he made chilbirth hurt, and
Other bits about which I don’t care.
Basically the point I’m making
Is if you’re a dude who feels cursed
Your girl probably rejected Satan
And her punishment is still worse.
Filed under Poems
Someone said “Let the good times roll”
And folks said “Yay” and “Wow.”
Then someone said “Disease exists”
And folks said “Quit rolling now.”
Filed under Poems
When you really think about it
All language came about
Because some caveman somewhere
Thought “Maybe I should shout
“A bunch of random nonsense,”
And someone from out of town
Thought “That would make a boring book;
“I’d better write it down!”
Filed under Poems
This is the point in history
Where things aren’t going well,
But you aren’t very worried yet
Because you know a spell
That opens up a menu
Where you reload your latest save
And go back to start on easy mode
Instead of to your grave.
Filed under Poems
The Persians used to rule the world
Before they started making rugs.
The British used to rule the world
Before they gave the world free hugs.
So too the Mongols, Austria-Hungary,
Greeks, and Romans lost their graces,
But none fell more than when the Goths
Learned new ways to paint their faces…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 