I am a fearsome hunter
And have killed a hundred men
And yet I sleep in peace, filled with
Tranquility and zen
Because someday I hope I may
Catch some deity’s eye.
They’ll think I’m cute and house me
In their mansion in the sky,
They’ll feed me all I can consume
And rub my belly while
Saying “Who’s a good warrior?”
With a goofy voice and smile,
And let me come and go all day
Through a small transparent flap
Instead of being human
And putting up with all this crap.
Filed under Poems
That we who have become so enlightened
To place a mind into machines would first
Use this power (of which we should be frightened)
To animate naked people is cursed.
We’ve woven tales: losing jobs to robots
And our humanity to gigabytes,
Thinking humans will become the have-nots
And electricity will off our lights.
But in creating technical wonder
We have revealed a deeper part of us:
Our minds divert from the wealthy’s plunder
To the size of robo-ladies cy-busts.
Artificial intelligence kills not:
Instead, it lets us chase electric thot.
Filed under Poems
The best thing about 8 billion people
Is, at least according to me,
That no matter what weird opinion you have
At least one other guy will agree.
The worst thing about 8 billion people
Is, also according to moi,
That a bunch of the rich and the stupid ones
Agree their opinions are law.
Filed under Poems
Sam was 28 years old,
Had never seen the sun,
Had never eaten chocolate,
Never had any fun,
Had never hugged a puppy
And got stung by a bee
And he’s telling the cashier about it
Right in front of me…
Filed under Poems
Ten minutes ago, I offended myself.
Five minutes ago, I told you.
Now I’m writing one last time
And this time it’s to scold you…
One cannot offend one’s self,
So you must be to blame!
Were it not for other people
I’d have all the wealth and fame!
To apologize for hurting me
I’ll deign to let you grovel,
To beg forgiveness long enough
To fill a Tolstoy novel.
These gifts won’t make you virtuous
Or cleanse you of your sin
But I’m oppressed for being great
So let the praise begin!
Filed under Poems
I am a human
Who lives in a place
Where food can be purchased to eat.
Some take that for granted,
Some think it’s a nuisance,
And I think it’s pretty darn neat.
But sometimes I wonder
About fellow shoppers
Who bought before I came along.
I used to think fondly
Of my fellow humans*
But now I have proof I was wrong.
*This is a lie, but the photo is real
I wonder if tigers,
Wolves, and Toucans
Think that their spirit
Animals are humans?
I could find no answer,
But see if you can.
And now I wonder whose spirit
Animal is a toucan.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 