My parents were trees;
I’m a cone that you step on
To make crackle sounds.
Tag Archives: Life
Dream Jobs
The zookeeper likes animals
But ends up shoveling poo.
The librarian likes books
But tells the homeless people “shoo”.
The teacher wants to help kids
But the principal says no.
The customer service rep
Ran out of dreams three shifts ago.
Meanwhile, in my living room
I turn my camera off on Zoom
And watch Youtube while bosses talk
Of how to raise the price of stock.
Filed under Poems
No Fire Breath Required
Soon the dragons will come returning
And watch our nations burn and fall
And say, “My goodness, look at them go!
“Guess they didn’t need us after all.”
Filed under Poems
Win-Win
If we throw the politicians
Into the holy volcano of K’raxx’iss
We’ll either ensure a bountiful harvest
Or pay a lot less in taxes.
Filed under Poems
Solving The Hunger Crisis One Innovation At A Time
In the future you’ll go to buy groceries
And the checkout robot will ask
To confirm that you are human
By completing a simple task:
Enter your username and password
And a random six-digit code
That was transmitted to your brain chip
From the authenticator node
Except your authenticator
Got a security update
That prevents your internal keyboard
From typing the number “8”
So you pause your grocery buying
And call the password reset guy
Which is just another robot
And you check “yes” to die.
Filed under Poems
The End Of Summer
Back to school is near…
Then, when kids are back in class
Pumpkin spice returns.
Filed under Poems
Mama… Dada…****ing **** ******* in a ****** Puddle
If we make all words
Inappropriate to say
Kids will talk at birth.
Filed under Poems
When Counting Your Blessings Doesn’t Work, Try Counting Your Absences
Everyone in the world
Should get a chihuahua
From the government, totally free
Because when they all die
We’ll all understand
How much better life is when dog-free.
Filed under Poems
Sincerely, Educated White Dudes
I’m not much of a gangster
And I’m not a street-smart guy
So can anyone enlighten me
How so much gets you high?
For example, bath salts
And keyboard cleaner cans
Made someone want to sniff them
And promptly earned their bans…
Who are the people purchasing
And sniffing random goods
To see if something in them
Makes them feel different moods?
And if it’s not trial and error
But some scientific knowledge
That tells you what’s worth selling
On the street to pay for college
Then why aren’t people using
This backroom chemical expertise
To make it so the methheads
Can unabashedly say “cheese”?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 