There once was a woman (my wife)
Who experienced female strife.
I bought her “Unicorn Princess” for the switch
And now she’s not so much of a… stressed person
And what is going on with my life?
Tag Archives: Love
Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree This Love Will Never Work
Oh my lady, with a swirl
Of red and white you rock my world.
You touch my mouth and cause a sheen
Of pearly white. You make me clean.
Alas, our love is not to be
For you are you and I am me:
You are toothpaste, clean and clear
And I am just this orange juice here.
Filed under Poems
Masculine Serenity
Sometimes I look at my sweetheart
And my heart is warm like bread
And thoughts of love and comfy things
Run havoc in my head
And sometimes when I look at her
My heart smells like Spring rain
And an emptiness like midnight
Takes refuge in my brain.
When she sees me staring
And she asks, “What’s on your mind”
I look up from where I was staring
(FYI, that’s her behind)
And with all that warmth and wetness
My soul screams “Yes Yes Yes!”
But then my lips betray me
And I say “Uh, sports I guess?”
Filed under Poems
When Your Knowledge Of Obscure Colors Is Bigger Than Your… Other Assets
Her hair was coquelicot.
Her eyes were smaragdine.
Now my heart is glaucous
And not incarnadine
For a man of caput mortuum skin
Made her glow like elephant’s breath
And I smolder like exuberance
And wish for sudden death.
For those so inclined: https://www.color-meanings.com/worst-named-colors/
Filed under Poems
Big Girls Are Settling Now
I read an inspiring article
About how blue whales reproduce.
Apparently, they interbreed with fin whales
Who are not as large or recluse.
The fact that these largest of animals
Might bring their endangerment to an end
Gives me hope. It should give you hope too
That a blue whale might be your girlfriend.
Filed under Poems
Launch Day!
Hello dear readers!
I write you today
With a break from the “ick”
And a fair dose of “yay”.
Available now
Is my most recent book,
Selected poems on love.
Go ahead! Take a look!
It’s called “Cheaper Than Flowers”
And that is the truth.
If you order now
It will not be uncouth:
It’s a wonderful gift
For Valentine’s day
For that lover of yours
Who just won’t go away…
Is This My Moana Lisa?
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
For My Beloved Wife On The Occasion Of Her Illness
My girl is sick. She has the ick.
It makes her feel bad.
But she is lucky, ‘cause even when yucky
She’s married to me, her lad.
I make her soup that makes her poop
So all the germs come out,
And then she goes and blows her nose
And snot comes out her snout!
Now free of dreck, my darling Beck
May lay upon our couch.
I am her boulder, her comforting shoulder
For whenever she feels an ouch.
Soon will be when her and me
Go off to bed to sleep
And since she coughed I talk so soft
And help her count the sheep.
And when she wakes, the sound she makes
Is more thunder than snore
But through the night her gut got right;
She’s better than before.
So we repeat until her feet
Are under her anew.
My medical care is extraordinaire
Or so I think. Do you?
Filed under Poems
How She Shows Her Love
My wifey loves me uber much.
She said that I am cute.
She called me such a such and such
And catcalled my patoot.
She thinks my face is epic
And my body makes her flustered
And she’s making me a sandwich
With only mayonnaise and mustard.
Filed under Poems
A Winter’s Tune
When your heart calls to its pair
Through the rime of Winter’s air
Be sure it’s cry is strong and true
So its twin may sing to you.
But should your heart’s dear, after pause,
Sing “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause”
You may be wise to weave and sway
Then run like Hell the other way.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 