My wifey loves me uber much.
She said that I am cute.
She called me such a such and such
And catcalled my patoot.
She thinks my face is epic
And my body makes her flustered
And she’s making me a sandwich
With only mayonnaise and mustard.
Tag Archives: Love
A Winter’s Tune
When your heart calls to its pair
Through the rime of Winter’s air
Be sure it’s cry is strong and true
So its twin may sing to you.
But should your heart’s dear, after pause,
Sing “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause”
You may be wise to weave and sway
Then run like Hell the other way.
Filed under Poems
Stay
You’ve gotta go
To go see a show
That a small town like me can’t provide.
You’ve dreamed of a start
That’s a lifetime apart
From how I make you feel inside.
Your castle awaits
Where a panel of fates
Wants to hear of your fall fashion line.
I’ll help with your coat
And row over the moat
All while insisting I’m fine.
When you came along
And we started our song
We both knew one day it would end.
I dreamed of five-one
But you dreamed of more fun
So I tell people you’re just a friend.
I hope your sunsets
Are as good as it gets
And your kingdom will kneel and bow
While at the same time
It feels like a crime
That I want to say “stay” anyhow.
Filed under Poems
Are You A Bard? ‘Cause You Just Rolled A 20 For Seduction
I love you like a gelatinous cube.
I want to consume you completely
And make your all tingly with plenty of lube
When we meet in my dungeon discretely.
I’ve plenty of jewelry to give you
If you’ll just reach inside me and take it
And after my acid has burned you
We’ll forever be one (and be naked).
Yes, I move slowly, I’m squishy,
And I’ll even confess I’m a square
But although I am not the most dishy
I’ll listen to you ‘cause I care.
I’m made of a most caustic acid
And I’m more than a trifle transparent
But I’m seldom, if ever, found flaccid
And I just want to make it apparent
That I love you like a gelatinous cube and
My heart only has one endeavor:
I want to take you by your cute hand
And be with you now and forever.
Filed under Poems
Everything Else Signifies Subtle Loathing
If your cat attacks you
It means he wants your love.
So does meowing, purring,
And leaping on you from above.
But if your cat ignores you
And poops in the flower bed
It means “Yeah sure, I love you
“But don’t let it go to your head.”
Filed under Poems
I Asked My Fiance To Write The Odd-Numbered Lines And I’d Handle The Rhyming…
Fan.
Man.
TV.
Stevie.
Watch.
Crotch.
Orange.
Yeah… this is what I signed up for
Filed under Poems
Softball Questions
There once was a baseball glove
Who, with a human, fell in love.
You may doubt, but I’ll confirm it:
They lived together, but he’s a her mitt.
Filed under Poems
Leftist Dilemmas
Sometimes I think the world would be better
If everyone wrote a well-worded letter
Politely requesting that all war be ended
But if we did that someone might be offended
Filed under Poems
Father’s Day
Happy day to all the dads
Who once were childless as lads
And then got up to laddish things
‘Til onto Earth a baby springs.
Then they spend their waking hours
Changing diapers, buying flowers,
Playing dolls or playing truck
Depending on genetic luck.
As they age, the hair up here
Says “Nope, now I’ll grow out your ear.”
He buys cars for his offspring who
Repay him with a new tie. Whoo!
These things and more, both good and bad
Are part of what makes man a dad
But it is love, not merely fate,
That makes a dad we celebrate.
Filed under Poems
Dr. Strangelove 2, Or How The Bomb Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Herself
I wanted to ask a guy to the prom
But alas I’m a thermonuclear bomb.
Were I to go out in a pretty pink dress
I’d make the whole world feel considerable stress
And instead of the dancing and sighing and kissing
Everyone would shout “Hey, there’s a warhead that’s missing”
And before I’d say “Chill guys, you’re all being dumb”
They’d put me back with the uranium.
And so in my bunker I cry and I dream
Of a man who will see me for more than I seem,
Who’ll sweep me away for one memorable night
Even though afterwards the world won’t be alright…
But maybe a man cannot make me complete
And instead I’ll be happy as radiant heat?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 