Hello dear readers!
I write you today
With a break from the “ick”
And a fair dose of “yay”.
Available now
Is my most recent book,
Selected poems on love.
Go ahead! Take a look!
It’s called “Cheaper Than Flowers”
And that is the truth.
If you order now
It will not be uncouth:
It’s a wonderful gift
For Valentine’s day
For that lover of yours
Who just won’t go away…
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
My girl is sick. She has the ick.
It makes her feel bad.
But she is lucky, ‘cause even when yucky
She’s married to me, her lad.
I make her soup that makes her poop
So all the germs come out,
And then she goes and blows her nose
And snot comes out her snout!
Now free of dreck, my darling Beck
May lay upon our couch.
I am her boulder, her comforting shoulder
For whenever she feels an ouch.
Soon will be when her and me
Go off to bed to sleep
And since she coughed I talk so soft
And help her count the sheep.
And when she wakes, the sound she makes
Is more thunder than snore
But through the night her gut got right;
She’s better than before.
So we repeat until her feet
Are under her anew.
My medical care is extraordinaire
Or so I think. Do you?
Filed under Poems
My wifey loves me uber much.
She said that I am cute.
She called me such a such and such
And catcalled my patoot.
She thinks my face is epic
And my body makes her flustered
And she’s making me a sandwich
With only mayonnaise and mustard.
Filed under Poems
When your heart calls to its pair
Through the rime of Winter’s air
Be sure it’s cry is strong and true
So its twin may sing to you.
But should your heart’s dear, after pause,
Sing “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause”
You may be wise to weave and sway
Then run like Hell the other way.
Filed under Poems
You’ve gotta go
To go see a show
That a small town like me can’t provide.
You’ve dreamed of a start
That’s a lifetime apart
From how I make you feel inside.
Your castle awaits
Where a panel of fates
Wants to hear of your fall fashion line.
I’ll help with your coat
And row over the moat
All while insisting I’m fine.
When you came along
And we started our song
We both knew one day it would end.
I dreamed of five-one
But you dreamed of more fun
So I tell people you’re just a friend.
I hope your sunsets
Are as good as it gets
And your kingdom will kneel and bow
While at the same time
It feels like a crime
That I want to say “stay” anyhow.
Filed under Poems
I love you like a gelatinous cube.
I want to consume you completely
And make your all tingly with plenty of lube
When we meet in my dungeon discretely.
I’ve plenty of jewelry to give you
If you’ll just reach inside me and take it
And after my acid has burned you
We’ll forever be one (and be naked).
Yes, I move slowly, I’m squishy,
And I’ll even confess I’m a square
But although I am not the most dishy
I’ll listen to you ‘cause I care.
I’m made of a most caustic acid
And I’m more than a trifle transparent
But I’m seldom, if ever, found flaccid
And I just want to make it apparent
That I love you like a gelatinous cube and
My heart only has one endeavor:
I want to take you by your cute hand
And be with you now and forever.
Filed under Poems
If your cat attacks you
It means he wants your love.
So does meowing, purring,
And leaping on you from above.
But if your cat ignores you
And poops in the flower bed
It means “Yeah sure, I love you
“But don’t let it go to your head.”
Filed under Poems
Fan.
Man.
TV.
Stevie.
Watch.
Crotch.
Orange.
Yeah… this is what I signed up for
Filed under Poems
There once was a baseball glove
Who, with a human, fell in love.
You may doubt, but I’ll confirm it:
They lived together, but he’s a her mitt.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 