Tag Archives: Men

What’s Holding You Back?

There is a wall between the grass

That’s greener than our own,

That’s free of weeds and full of dew

And smells so freshly mown.

There’s a man who wants to climb

The wall, but has no rope.

He’s laughed at by the man who has no hands.

Crying in the shadows

Is a man who has no hope

And one who has no time to climb

Because of life’s demands.

One man has no body

Since he died a year ago

And another has no body

For he was never born at all.

Last among the dreamers

And the lowest of the low

Is the man who loves the grass beyond

But is five-foot-eleven tall.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I’m Like Mario, But Not As Famous Or Italian Or As Irrationally Compelled To Hit My Head On Boxes

Today my shower broke

And it sprayed everywhere.

The hose that moved the water

Had ripped a mighty tear

So I went to Home Depot

And bought a fixy thing

With a non-torn doohickey

And an intact rubber ring.

I screwed it on the spiggot

Where the water starts to pour

But with the new doohickey

The flow’s not limited anymore

And it makes an awesome shower,

Like emptying ten semi trucks

Full of water. One more reason

Why life in California sucks!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

An Armed Society

I think traffic would be a lot better

If every drove tanks.

Sure, we’d get everywhere slower

But you bet we’d say “‘scuse me” and “thanks”.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

This Is Why We Have Pets…

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I ever farted

My death by starvation would be queuing.

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I lied

You’d never hear my farts above the chewing.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

*Grunt, Impale Worm On Hook, Lifelong Companion*

Women will talk to their friends

About what their friends would say

If they knew what someone whose not their friend

Said “Hi” instead of “Hey”.

They’ll whisper all about a person’s

Clothes or hair or walk.

Guys don’t have this problem

Because male friends don’t talk.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Dear Ladies, Love Men

My girl made me a sandwich

And left a little note:

“Sandwich in the fridge. I love you!”

That was all she wrote.

That was all I needed

To get me through the day

And made every struggle, small and large,

Seem perfectly okay.

So when your boyfriend, husband,

Or another man declares

“Go make me a sandwich”

It shows you that he cares

Enough about your love to ask

For what he really needs.

If you want true love to grow

That’s how to sow the seeds.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

When Thy Quarry Escapeth And Thy Counterpart Is Not Amusethed

The itsy-bitsy spider

Was sitting on the floor,

Having a rest

Beneath the cabinet door.

I came to smash him

And end his worthless life

But he crawled away to safety…

Now I have to face the wife.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Stuff People Like

Cars and sports and guns and sports

And balls and boobs and mustard:

These (plus sports) are what guys like;

Other stuff makes them flustered.

I would write another poem

About what women like too

But they just can’t even anymore

And if you don’t know, they won’t tell you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I’ve Got Bread, Plenty Of Dough, I Bring Home The Bacon, And Yet…

I have a six pack

Of orange creamsicles.

I have 12 inches

Of beef jerky sticks.

I go all night

When I chew my dill pickles,

And somehow I can’t seem

To pick up the chicks…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition

If not for British taxes

And the redcoats being weenies

We might not have these fireworks

And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,

So I for one am grateful

For wigs and wasted tea

‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,

And other big things that start with “B”.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems