In the days when Jesus walked the Earth
Many people had names
More akin to Shaniqua and Carston
Than Luke, Mary, Joseph, or James.
Those people lived lives that were normal and happy
But long since forgotten to time;
No one wrote a hymn for Shaniqua
Because it was too hard to rhyme.
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A # walked into a bar
Where an ! and a & are.
They met up with $
And the bartender hollered
“We don’t tolerate that $&#! here.”
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The most popular names of 2023
Were Olivia and Oliver.
I can’t wait ‘til gen Alpha has kids
And those names become “Bigtiddygoth” and “Watermoliver“.
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I always wonder about the scientist
Who named the sperm whale.
I imagine he was drunk
And probably male
And thought making you say “sperm”
Was a hoot and a gas
And he probably idolized the guy
Who named donkeys “ass”.
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With people being all concerned
About AI taking over these days
I think I have a solution
To combat the malaise:
Instead of names like “Cleverbot”,
Or “Alexa”, we can swerve
And name all robots “Killmonger 3000”
And we’ll trust them as much as they deserve.
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When I was in Kindergarten
We all sang a song
That was very fun
But not very long
That went “Hannah Hannah Bo Banna
“Banana fana fo fana
Me my mo mannah
Hannah.”
We sang it over and over
Until whenever the time came
That everyone but me had been called
But they never did my name…
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I wonder if Julius Caesar
Had been given a manlier name
He wouldn’t have needed to conquer so much
And the world would never be the same.
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I walked down the rows
Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“
Smelling hand soaps with names
Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.
Then I left to go back
To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”
Where they sell soap called “White”
And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.
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Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
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My neighbor’s kids are Michael,
Esther, Hannah, Ruth, and Paul
And they don’t think that Bible names
Are old-fashioned at all.
My other neighbor’s children
Are Meshack and Hezekiah
And for some reason no one thought
To even ask them why-uh.
But I follow suit and give
My kid a name of that kind…
But when I called him “Nimrod”
Everybody lost their mind.
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The Daily Travesty 