Pestilence, Famine, Death, and War:
These are the mythic Horsemen four.
Another we’ll add in the next transcription:
It’s named, “To Continue, Please Buy A Subscription”.
Tag Archives: Parody
A Poem For My Wife On The Occasion Of A Duty To Her Peers
‘Twas the day of jury duty
And through the courthouse
Most groups were still waiting
(They’d just called in “mouse”).
The judges were hoping
For non-psycho jurors
While my wife was pining
For sofas and purrers.
One hundred dollars
Awaited those selected
To sit in the waiting room,
Tired and dejected,
But some of those gathered
Would be chosen to act
As one of a dozen
Who would justice enact.
The thrill of deciding
A dumb person’s fate
Might be tempting for some,
But not to my mate.
She wanted to go
To her job or her house,
Not to wait for a call
For “Octopus”. (Nope, still “mouse”).
And then, with a flash
And a low-level clatter
A sentry emerged
And did hush all their chatter.
“I’ve news for you all”
The page said to the bunch.
“We don’t need you right now.
“Take an hour for lunch.”
And so wifey departed
In search of a bite
With an intrusive thought
That she’d be here all night…
Filed under Poems
Black Friday?
‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving
And on every website
There were black Friday ads
That were sure to delight,
For why wait three more days
To get ludicrous deals
Like fifty-percent off
Those bejeweled heels?
Sure, in July
They were 99 bucks
But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.
What incredible luck!
Today we are thankful
For bargains galore.
Now just three days to wait
Before violence in the store!
Filed under Poems
Cletus Prepares For Hurricane Charlene
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer…
The weather is dicey
But plywood is pricey
Thus ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!
Filed under Poems
Deleted Scenes From Genesis
And the Lord said unto women:
Unto the lake you’ll goeth swimmin’
And the men will paint you and make art.
And the Lord said unto men:
Here’s a paper and pen.
Also, laugh every time you say “fart.”
***
John begat Jonah
And Jonah begat Josh
And Josh begat Evan
Who said “Oh my gosh
“My name is, like, Eve now
“And I’m not one of you men.”
And thus God prepared
For a flood once again.
***
In the beginning
There were two Gods above,
All powerful beings
And madly in love.
One God said, “Oh other God
“I’m pregnant with Earth.”
Other God said “We’re out of milk.
“See ya after the birth!”
Filed under Poems
‘Fro Zen
The snow glows white in Chicago tonight.
Not a footprint to be found.
A kingdom of isolation
And my car’s in the impound.
The wind was howling and my tank was running low.
Sure, my parking place may have been yellow…
I won’t give in, Mitsubishi,
I’ll be the badass the streets demand I be.
Conceal, don’t feel, just pay the fee
Mirage LE…
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold my ride anymore
Let it go, let it go
Give me keys, unlock the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say
So a hydrant’s blocked?
The fires never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how Chi-town’s police force can be so white and small
And the laws that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
The ticket’s free!
Let it go, let it go
I will hop in my car and drive
Let it go, let it go
You won’t take me alive
Stamp the gas and I’ll peel away
Let the storm rage on
My drive train puts me through the air then to the ground
My wheels are spiraling on f***ing black ice all around
And one thought rises as I almost crap my pants…
Extended warranty… I really missed my chance!
Let it go, let it go
As I careen across some dude’s lawn
Let it go, let it go
Now I think my bumper’s gone
As they read my rights I know I’m ok…
I’ll get community service
As long as I mention I’m black and gay.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than Modern Pop
Yesterday
All my motivation went away
Now I’m writing you this poem today,
A parody
Of yesterday.
Filed under Poems
The Master Will Go Now
The fact that thrice you mentioned
That you don’t care about corn Jimmy cracks
Makes me think that your indifference
Is facade instead of facts.
Filed under Poems
Not Saying Santa Advocates Piracy, But…
Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
A long night ahead with not much rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
The elves made toys
For good girls and boys
But what the kids today enjoy’s
An iThingy
In 4k HD
With a USB
And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Nine deer flew but just six came back
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chimneyless homes
With their bulletproof domes
Are wherever he roams
Gluten free cookie lasses
Left him soy milk glasses
Which make him pass gasses
So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Fifteen elves still employed at best
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest
So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Filed under Poems
Carol Of The Belch
Hark! Hear the belch, deep throaty belch
That seems to say, “Guys, I’m ok!”
Family is here, bringing cheap beer
To young and old (or so I’m told).
Ding-dong-ding-dong: The doorbell’s song.
Another aunt? I really can’t…
One wants to say “Please go away”
They’re everywhere, breathing our air.
Family is bound to be around
And to pick fights o’er petty spites.
Merry happy jolly (insert day here)
Maybe gimme some of that cheap lite beer…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 