Across the world we celebrate
The folks with whom we wish to mate
Who possess many powers neat
But don’t know what they want to eat.
Without them the economy would crash
And people would buy more with cash.
The roads would probably be safer
And nobody would use the word “wafer”.
Clothes would only come in gray
And everybody’d end up gay
So I for one am grateful that
We have women, and that is that.
Filed under Poems
Instead of the Olympics
What if we just had a day
Where everyone from every sport
Would simultaneously play
And the discusses and javelins
And basketballs and gymnasts
Would fly around the hockey rink
For both speed and long distance.
They should have a draft like those
We had in middle school
And we’d finally find out whose
Sport is the most least cool.
The only thing to ruin
This remarkable event
And make the people who showed up
Regret the cash they spent
Is if the Olympic commissioners
(Or whatever they call those fools)
Has the audacity to tell us
That this game will have “rules”.
Filed under Poems
I am a goose
I like to honk
I am a goose
I like to honk
I am a goose
I like to honk honk honk
I am a mom
I want to die
Filed under Poems
Before every movie you watch
There’s an FBI warning and on it
Is a message that vows either prison or fines
If you copy the movie and pawn it.
Meanwhile, in 38 states
Shoplifting a movie is legal.
I think it’s time the the FBI bird
Was replaced by a drunk cross-eyed seagull.
Filed under Poems
I want to see a game show
Where people say on air
Honest things that they believe
And why we ought to care
And then I, with my family,
Will discuss what has been said
And then have a sip of water
Before slipping off to bed.
Filed under Poems
When the Roman Empire fell
People thought “This isn’t swell”
And for a while they were right
And all the world was dark as night.
Then a guy named Gutenberg
Turned out to be a giant nerd
And invented a thing called a printing press
Which writers say reduced their stress.
After this, a rennaissance
Began, and then a war in France
And freedom became the big buzzword
That people gravitated toward.
Now as another empire falls
I wish we’d have the collective balls
To look how we got in this mess
And demand they bring back the printing press.
Filed under Poems
You’re here to see a concert
And the first piece we will play
Is the thanking of the sponsors,
For although you had to pay
A decent sum of money
To come see our group perform
Without our corporate overlords
We’d not be able to form.
Thank you to the money guys
Who like this older stuff.
Now please prepare to give a hand
For another half an hour of fluff…
Filed under Poems
I hope that before I die
I’ll fart one million times.
That or curing cancer…
Or maybe writing rhymes?
Filed under Poems
Now Google Chrome apparently
Is blocking third-party cookies
So companies have to pay them
To earn the user clicks and lookies.
People are acting like this is bad,
As if personalized ads were good…
But people are optimistic about the election
So I guess they probably would.
Filed under Poems
I want to skip my poem today.
The thought went through my head
And yet I wrote a poem…
Maybe I’ll skip leg day instead!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 