What if, instead of an election,
We had a Mr. Beast style event
Where we rented a hall full of obstacles
And made every potential president
Stay in the room with the challenge
To be the first one to tell us the truth.
I think that’s an alternate system
That would better engage with the youth.
Filed under Poems
There once was a were roses were blue
Or they were red, but they can be that too
And they went oh gone by the thing
And the… he’s a bad flower and I’m king
And we beat medicare and covid is a jew.
Filed under Poems
Meet Vlad.
Vlad is sad.
Vlad thinks climate change is bad.
Vlad cannot cite sources? Woah!
But xe’s doing xir best though.
Vlad knows that to stop the pain
Of having marginally less rain
Because of heat that cow fart brings
Means having to do some painful things.
Vlad helps Earth by blocking cars
And hanging flyers up at bars.
Xe spray paints slogans over art
And lives out of a shopping cart.
Xe knows capitalism is bad.
And so is having a present dad.
Be like Vlad and we’ll show you lenience:
The climate depends on your inconvenience.
Filed under Poems
In kindergarten, there was a boy
Who said “You’re dumb and old
“And you’re bald and gross and poopy
“And you do whatever you’re told.”
I turned to face the parents
Whose expressions were most hesitant
And I proudly said, “We’re learning
“About how to describe the president!”
Filed under Poems
The world has three types of people:
Those who raise awareness for issues,
Those who laugh at the awareness-raisers,
And those who think the other types
Should be the change they want to see.
Unfortunately, the type who make changes
Require a 200 GB update to the system
And God still has dialup.
Filed under Poems
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
So let me get this straight…
We’re training computers to write
And recognize everyday images
Like motorcycles or a traffic light
And yet our “are you a robot” test
Is exactly where they’re at their best?
On the other hand, I’m excited
For when the “are you a robot” guy
Says “Write something that’s racist”
And the robots can’t comply
So the hot singles in your area
Will finally stop trying to marry ya.
Filed under Poems
Una vez hubo un copo de nieve cerca de ti.
Podrían ser homosexuales o judíos.
Envíales esta publicación
Como un asado sutil
Porque eso es lo que te pedí que hicieras.
Filed under Poems
The dragon loomed above me
Drooling volcanic spittle.
He said to me “I’ll spare your life
“If you answer me this riddle.”
Then I saw the dragon smile,
Its eyes a golden sheen:
“What’s harder to fix? The government
“Or the McDonald’s ice cream machine?”
Filed under Poems
Roosevelt called it “A New Deal.”
‘Twas just an IOU.
He didn’t know who’d pay for it,
But turns out that it’s you.
—————————————————————
Emancipation proclamation?
More like “Cut the black a little slack”.
—————————————————————
Medicine prices don’t seem fair?
Let’s have some Obamacare!
Instead of paying to heal me
I pay so you get care for free!
—————————————————————
There’ve been 27 amendments,
Of which ten were automatic
In this American republic
Which is also democratic.
One was banning alcohol.
One was saying “Oops, our bad”
And that may be the greatest unity
The States have ever had.
Filed under Poems
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