Cows stampede and lemings leap.
Dogs will chase that herd of sheep.
Boys will be boys and socks be darned.
Bad baby horses will be sent to their barn.
Lines will be crossed and drawn in the sand.
Books by this poet will someday be banned.
A tree will fall and turn into a log,
And Saturday she has to walk her friend’s dog.
Filed under Poems
Trees are nice. So are rocks,
But not so much big cities,
‘Cause they are full of people
Whose heads are full of ditties.
They sing all day despite themselves,
Albeit silently.
I cannot stand these catchy tunes
That I cannot hear or see.
And so I moved out to the woods
Are jingles don’t exist.
And now getting rid of the birds
Is on my to-do list.
Filed under Poems
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.
Filed under Poems
Eight days ago I wrote
A poem. “What?” you gasp.
I raise my eyebrow at your sarcasm
And then my hands I clasp.
The problem with this poem
Was that I wrote it as a page,
So it did not show up in this feed.
You cannot guess my rage.
So know I’ve fixed the error
And I present for you
The June 30th poem
That you thought had gone askew.
Coworkers:
I hit the nail on the head,
Pound, pound, pound.
I hit the nail many times
And beat it into the ground.
I hammered on that nail
With all my worldly might,
And as I did, I thought of you.
It brought me much delight.
Maybe it was better
That the poem above was lost.
I no longer feel the way I did.
This line rhymes with Faust.
Now mercifully I leave you
Until the Ninth of July.
Thanks again Dear Readers,
And once again, good bye.
On an unrelated, but absolutely true note, this stupid Meta-poem posted itself as a page, rather than a post, twice. It may still be a page. We will see.
Filed under Poems
If I were a blue whale
I’d out-majestic you.
If I were an elephant
My trunk would go “kabloo!”
If I were a father moose
I’d step in front of your car.
If I were a Bengal tiger
I’d stalk you at the bar.
If I were a dog
I’d give you a real’ good lickin’.
If I were the neighbor’s cat
I’d bring you a dead chicken.
If I were a fearsome beast
Your heart, I’m sure, would freeze.
But I’m a rat who pulls a lever
To get a piece of cheese.
Filed under Poems
I look at you like you’re not even there.
I open you when I’m hot.
You shield me from the wind and rain.
Worthy, I am not.
You bring light to my little world,
Operate my computer.
You’re a wallflower in full bloom.
You make me see astuter.
When you’re dirty, you don’t complain.
You’d take a bullet for me.
You’re always there when I wake up.
Through you, the world I see.
Forget you, windows, I can’t. I won’t.
You have panes so that I don’t.
Filed under Poems
Fireworks yesterday.
House is still there.
Slept in ’til eleven.
Didn’t even care.
Walked through a dark alley.
Suffered no attack.
I’m curious though
When complete sentences come back.
A whole bunch of scores ago
Some British people got on a boat.
They came and taxed our tea, and so
The Constitution did get wrote.
The British guys thought a big red jacket
Would be the perfect camouflage.
Alas, their soldiers couldn’t hack it
And had not been trained to dodge.
And so we yankees won the war
And conquered all the Earth.
At the public school I learned this lore.
Hurray for America’s birth!
The Daily Travesty 