Don’t blame me for staying inside.
It isn’t an attempt to hide.
I’m not opposed to wind or sleet,
Nor do I have tired feet.
I’m not a hermit. I have friends
And ways of meeting all the ends.
I’m neither strange nor bizarre
If I’d rather not go to a bar.
I have my needs (I am a guy).
A wife would be great, but I’ve got Wi-Fi.
I don’t stay in ’cause I’m afraid
Of getting shot or not getting laid.
I stay inside because out there
People laugh about my hair.
Filed under Poems
I expect Yoda’ve heard by know
About an awakening in the force.
I hope it doesn’t take after sand,
Getting everywhere, rough and coarse.
This film will be our only hope
No matter how you Luke at it
To see if a stormtrooper main character
Can manage to make a hit.
I’ll be Red 7 standing by,
Not getting forty winks
To see if JJ Abrams
Gets nicknamed JJ Binks.
And so, though there’s two weeks to go
This poet’s had mesa some funs.
Now this poem’s Finn-ished
And I’ll Leia’ff the puns.
Filed under Poems
Let me tell you a story
All about how
My boat got capsized
Upside down.
Was this big f’n whale
Cooked up in a meth lab.
He’s white as a cracker
Like my brotha’, Ahab.
Now my bro chased the whale
Through like 800 pages
Cross a buttload o’ seas
And all through the ages.
So if you’re a reader
You know shit just got real
When you turn to page one:
“Call me Ishmael.”
Filed under Poems
Where have the real men gone, you ask,
And where have the damsels fled?
I hope the internet can tell me.
Meanwhile, I’ve got my bed.
Filed under Poems
She was like a James Bond villain:
Charismatic, certainly,
And she had a pool of sharks
And talked nonstop to me.
That suited me just fine.
I’ve also got an evil brain,
But I’m the type of bad guy
With bad teeth who gets thrown off a train.
Filed under Poems
Do you want to be a wizard,
A chef or a vampire?
Do you want to train a monster
Or have power over fire?
Do you want to be a warrior
Who fights an evil horde?
Or maybe it’s that normal school
Just leaves you feeling bored.
If you want to read your family’s minds
Or own a talking cat,
Chances are, in animé,
There’s a school for that.
Filed under Poems
You ever seen one of those
Human-sized dolls
For guys who want lovin’
But don’t have the balls?
I really hope they’re electric.
That’s what I’ve concluded,
‘Cause what other double-D’s
Are “batteries not included?”
Filed under Poems
It’s 41 Farenheit
Outside my room.
It would be warm in Alaska
And cold in Khartoum.
In my car, my spedometer
Says 73.
That’s slow if you’re metric
But fast if you’re me.
Lots of life’s relative;
Could be good, could be bad,
But at least we agree
There’s arguments to be had!
I’m thankful for my family
And to you, my faithful fan.
Thanks to you I made this poem
Very short, because I can.
Filed under Poems
