There they were, two armies,
One in black and one in red
Swarming from their anthill
Knowing one must soon be dead.
One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,
The other by Steve’s Work Pants.
One army shouted “We will be victorious!”
The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”
Filed under Poems
I went to a gathering of people
Who like to drink and drive,
Pull quickly into traffic…
On recklessness they thrive.
They’re the reason we have accidents
And I almost forgot to mention
That there were lots of nerds there.
It was a start wreck convention!
Filed under Poems
I exercised my glutes until they were hard as rock.
I entered a hardass contest and thought I was a lock.
I flex my bum! The judges gasp! I’m certain that I’ve got ‘em!
But even though my butt won first, I’d really hit rock bottom.
Filed under Poems
There once was a buck from Melrose
Who smelled something sweet with his nose.
His friends said “That crap’ll
“Most oft be an apple.
“Forget it. Let’s go out and win does.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a lovely young seal
Who captured my sea-mammal heart.
She had an adorable squeal
That made all my fantasies start.
I asked her to go for a drink with me
At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.
But I scared her away. I’d forgotten
That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.
Filed under Poems
There once were some zombies from Crete
Who hungered for sentient meat.
They sat and moaned “braaains”
‘Til a skeleton came
With some brains and said “Bone appetite.”
Filed under Poems
A giant electric windmill met Sisyphus
And asked, “Do you like music, man?”
Sisyphus said, “Anything but rock and roll.”
The turbine said, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Filed under Poems
My boss said I’m incompetent
Because I visit the bathroom a lot.
Then I developed incontinence
And now visit that room I do not.
Filed under Poems
Jared was still very small
When he saw cattle fall
Into a slumber, fast and deep.
With no reason or rhyme
Someone said “It’s pasture bedtime”
And so Jared went home and fell asleep.
Filed under Poems
I slipped on a banana
And fell on my butt
And it excited me
Because you know what?
Everyone told me “you’ll never
“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em
And now look at me!
I’ve got fruit on the bottom!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 