In the past twelve months, America
Printed twice as much money
As every American Billionaire combined,
Which is twenty percent
Of all dollars ever spent
Since 1835.
That money could pay off
All American credit card debt
AND all American student loan debt
Twice.
And so I ask:
Why do we need taxes again?
Filed under Poems
There once was somebody’s spouse
Who put on a burgundy blouse.
She said, “Some folks will ask
“Kindly ‘Please wear a mask?'”
But those folks never leave their house…
Filed under Poems
I used to dress in a suit and tie
And drive off to my job
Creating animated models
For my supervisor, Rob.
One day, Rob pulled me aside
And said, “Work from home, dude.”
I’m still an animator
But now I model nude.
Filed under Poems
The dragon was coming
To Farawayshire
To eat many virgins
And breathe lots of fire.
The lord of the town said
“‘Fraid of dragons we aint,
“For I have procured us
“A fireproof paint!”
And so people painted
The roofs and the walls
Or the houses and stables
And castles and malls
Until the Lord said
With the smallest of sneezes,
“Cease painting at once
“For it causes diseases.”
The paint, it so happened
Did cause minor distress
To persons named Remington,
Fleischmann, and Hess.
Those with such names
Of course caused quite a fuss
While the rest of the town
Wondered, “What about us?
“The dragon is coming!
“How will we survive?
“Sure, a few will be sickened
“But we’ll be alive!”
The mayor just laughed
And he said with a tsk…
“What’s a few teeth and fire
“When our health is at risk?”
And, for some reason, this
Made the citizens calm
And await coming dragons
With nary a qualm.
Filed under Poems
Eight months ago the plague began
And this is what we did:
We locked the doors and bought TP
And then, for months, we hid.
And when we ate and pooped too much
We ventured out once more,
And so it was the first lockdown
Was written in the lore.
But when the lockdown ended
It seemed the plague had not,
And it was clear the lockdown
Had not a new peace brought.
It hadn’t worked, and so the leaders
Gathered to discuss
What they could say to guarantee
Obedience from us.
What the leaders settled on
Is really rather zen:
“It didn’t work the first time,
“So let’s do the same again!”
And many of the people
Went along without a fight
Because the folks with titles
Told them, “This will make it right.”
Meanwhile, the maskless multitude
Possessing common sense
Said politely, “Thanks, no thanks.”
And thus the world grew tense…
And now a civil war of sorts
‘Tween masked and naked faces
Will not subside regardless of
How numerous the cases.
And all of this could be escaped
If one would simply say
“Do as you will with who you want
“And please respect my way.”
Filed under Poems
I gained a couple of pounds
Since the last time I was seen.
I’m noticeably wider
Since the start of quarantine.
I’ve got handles for lovin’
But no contact with my queen.
Life has stalled, I’m going bald
And I gained Covid 19.
I saw you in your sweatpants
And your Hello Kitty mask.
Yours was the sort of presence
In which a man might bask,
But basking’s off the table
Even though it breaks my heart.
I’ll just have to admire you
From at least six feet apart!
Yeah you were hauling groceries
Into your healthy home
From which, save for essentials,
You could not, for some time, roam.
You made my dreams come true just by
Returning from the mart.
With this telescope it doesn’t seem
Like we’re six feet apart!
And when you spend your days inside
Just watching your TV
No one in your house wears pants
Which means there’s room for me.
I send you morse-code love notes
And order food for you a la carte,
Just my way of making contact
When we’re stuck six feet apart!
Now you might think I’m creepy,
That I’ve gone a bit too far
By buying you a drink
After the feds shut down the bar,
But no one will arrest me
Just for causing you a start
‘Cause they’re emptying the prisons
To keep the crooks six feet apart!
So smile on your Zoom call
And when you’re making crepes,
And smile most of all
When Amazon brings your new drapes.
I made you covet COVID
‘Cause it gave you the head start
That you needed to ensure that we
Remain six feet apart!
Filed under Poems
