There was an unwanted doodad
That everyone figured was bad
But just for today
We can send it your way
For 10% off. Aren’t you glad?
Tag Archives: Shopping
Black Friday?
‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving
And on every website
There were black Friday ads
That were sure to delight,
For why wait three more days
To get ludicrous deals
Like fifty-percent off
Those bejeweled heels?
Sure, in July
They were 99 bucks
But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.
What incredible luck!
Today we are thankful
For bargains galore.
Now just three days to wait
Before violence in the store!
Filed under Poems
Apple: Because I Chose It When I Was 12 And It’s Too Late Now
For a few months my iPhone
Had eight hours of life between charges,
Then the next model released
And my phone bill suddenly enlarges.
Oh, an update to iOS x+1?
That sounds like an important step.
Did it drop my battery life by 20 percent?
Unsurprisingly, that’s a big “yep”.
“It’s ok”, says my telephone rep.
“You can upgrade today for free.
“You’ll just change your phone number
“And sign here in blood
“And pay for 69 months interest-free!”
And so, in a rage, I go shopping
For whatever Android people buy,
Then I remember how all my app data
Only works if my phone has an “i”
And I slink to my room where my charger
Sits happily waiting to go.
I’ll repeat this emotional process
Every year for a lifetime or so.
Filed under Poems
But Honey… We Have Needs
Sometimes we go shopping
Because we have needs
Like cardamom, five-spice,
And sunflower seeds,
A packet of seaweed
And kale-chips-ahoy!
Perhaps we might splurge
For a mint-in-box toy.
When we feel spendy
Perhaps we will pounce
On a bottle of wine
That we cannot pronounce
And then at the end
We’ll return home again
And eat yesterday’s ramen
Because we are men.
Filed under Poems
Why Amazon Makes Billions A Day
Sam was 28 years old,
Had never seen the sun,
Had never eaten chocolate,
Never had any fun,
Had never hugged a puppy
And got stung by a bee
And he’s telling the cashier about it
Right in front of me…
Filed under Poems
Father of the Bride
Fluff and foof,
Foam and poof.
Through the roof:
Shopping.
White or gray?
Peach or Monet?
Pay and pay:
Shopping.
We’ve got a year
To pick the dress
We’ve seen the glory
And the mess.
Dad’s in the car
Waiting for the yes
That brings the end
Of shopping.
Filed under Poems
Voyage to the Mall
The fruit loomed above me
As I Dockered the ship
On some Banana Republic
That smelled of Geoffrey Bean dip.
I rubbed my old fencing wound
Out of sight of the fella’s
That I got when I failed
A parry with Ellis.
The weather was silky,
A tres Calvin Clime,
And this old Navy man
Filled his coconut with lime.
But after I’d dithered
For three stanzas or so
I purchased some stuff.
That’s how shopping trips go.
On E-Commerce and Responsibility
I bought a pony on Ebay
Just to see if I could.
I shipped it via UPS air
Just to see if they would.
I let the post office guys take care of it
Figuring the work would do them good.
Even though you get away with stuff
Doesn’t mean you should.
Filed under Poems
The Pillow Fight
I just wanted to buy a mattress
And maybe a duvet,
Just make a couple purchases
And then be on my way.
Alas, my shopping journey
Couldn’t just go right.
Instead I had to witness
A brutal pillow fight.
It started with some shuffling
And a bit of pillow fluffing,
But then the pillowcases came off
As they tried to show their stuffing.
Finally the fight was done,
Feathers spilt and shedding.
Next time I’ll be prepared
When I try to buy some bedding.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 