I slipped on a banana
And fell on my butt
And it excited me
Because you know what?
Everyone told me “you’ll never
“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em
And now look at me!
I’ve got fruit on the bottom!
Tag Archives: Silly
All Breast Meat
If you were a mother and became a zombie
And started a life with you lil zombaby
Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse
‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…
Filed under Poems
The Future Of Marriage
I love myself. I’m awesome.
I do, myself, amaze.
I really am incredible
In oh so many ways.
That’s why I decided
To buy myself a ring
And propose to myself romantically
While the doves of morning sing.
Alas, I’m so amazing
That I’m too good for me
So I turned down the proposal
And sobbed and said “Hehe.”
I am all distraught, and yet
I’m strong of will and mettle
Knowing that I’m great enough
To never, ever settle.
Filed under Poems
Preview of the State of the Union, 2023
Socks suck!
That’s an absolute fact.
They make your feet sweaty
And fail to attract.
They’re itchy and tubular,
Brown, black, and white
But if paired with some sandals
I guess they’re alright…
Filed under Poems
The Racist Test
Asians are little.
White people are bigger.
The next largest up
Would have to be the magnitude of panic in your eyes when I start reading this poem on the streets of any major city at night.
Filed under Poems
Two Jobs That Make Six Figures But Nobody Respects
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
…Play Dead… Yeah, That’s The Whole Joke
If I were a possum
And also a poet
I’d write while I’m scared
And the writing would show it;
I’d start a stanza
But when filled with dread
I’d
Filed under Poems
A Meal To Die For
I was in Transylvania
On a foolish holiday
When a vampire decided
To make me not ok.
I saw that he was hungry
But I sought to understand
What filled this monster’s heart
In this spooky far-off land.
He said when he was mortal
He had owned a ranch,
And the finest heads of cattle
Came from his European branch.
He longed for the days of yore
When cooking was an art,
So I cooked him up a ribeye.
It was a steak through his heart.
Filed under Poems
Refute My Logic, I Dare You
Plants are stupid.
Animals are too.
They score poorly
On a test of IQ.
Humans are stupid,
But not as bad as plants
Because they guess more frequently
And benefit from chance.
Filed under Poems
Silver Water
In the shadow of a waterfall
Of moonlight’s silver steam
Was a mist of lunar H2O
In a dazzling metal stream,
Beneath which bubbled puddles
Of the element AG;
The moon was very full, unlike
My repertoire of analogies.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 