Sometimes I wish
That I were a fish,
But then I think
“What if I sink?”
Just then my daughter
Said “Fish can breathe water.”
I said “You wish!
“Fish can just holds fish.”
Tag Archives: Silly
Awaken, My Love, To A Secret Gift
As every day the sun has risen
Since the day all men were born
To signal coming of a new day
By the sunlight through the corn,
By the very first song of the birds
Hidden in a distant tree
So do I hope my eyes will settle
On you lying next to me,
And as the sun casts shadows over
All that lives beneath the light
I hope my mind is full of mem’ries
Of what happened through the night.
As heaven transforms from black to gold
And clouds shift from orange to cream
And your eyes flicker and welcome me
I know I’ve achieved my dream.
As you see my smile widen more
Than it would by normal grace
You see into my mind and demand
“What did you draw on my face?”
Filed under Poems
When The Man Upstairs Is Protecting You Against The Dangers Of Premarital Sex
I like to imagine that somewhere in Heaven
God is fighting a war
To defend me from many females who’d do any
Thing to show me how they adore
All that I am. Yes, God is that great
That he beats women off with a stick
So I can be alone, never answer my phone…
Yes, faith in the Lord does the trick.
Filed under Poems
Thanks College!
Upon one hazy evening
Beneath the colored leaves
A poet kneels softly
And in the silence grieves.
Upon seeing this visage
A bright young student stands,
Walks towards the poet’s place
And with a screech demands
“Did you really write a poem
“That describes the leaves as ‘colored?’
“I find that language offensive
“And conclude you are a dullard!”
The poet still kneels softly
Beneath the not-green leaves,
And now you understand human stupidity
Which is why the poet grieves.
Filed under Poems
Hirsute, But Not Her Suitable
There once was a man from St. Mary
Who’d be merry to marry Merry Mary.
Merry Mary, however,
Did forthrightly endeavor
Never ever to wed one so hairy.
Filed under Poems
IT Internships <3
Every day I help people with technical trouble,
Decked out in my polo and three-day neck stubble.
I cycle the power to show them I care
And write “Problem exists between keyboard and chair.”
Filed under Poems
Thinking Ahead
Today I want to teach you
How to preemptively retort:
This poem is like your penis
So you can’t complain it’s short.
Filed under Poems
Holy Sheeeeeee…
Somewhere there’s a holy cow
In a field where you can stroke it
That gives a little holy “moo”
Whenever you invoke it.
Behind it is a steaming mound
Of what was once it’s dinner.
As for who folks invoke more?
I think we have a winner!
Filed under Poems
They DO Hoard Gold And Love Princesses…
Today a friend was stalking me
Online (with my permission)
And came upon this blog o’ mine
(A most unwise decision)
And as we got to talking
She inspired me to write
A poem about dragons,
Thus my topic for tonight!
But what about a dragon
Would amuse a reader new?
Perhaps my thoughts on bacon
From a dragon’s point of view!
For if I were a dragon
And consumed my daily meat
I’d think a dragon with good taste
Would think bacon’s a treat…
But how’s a mighty villain
Who’s as hateful as he’s big
Going to get the finest strippings
Of the kingdom’s finest pig?
Now, I am not a dragon
(Through no fault of mine… I’m trying!)
And so thinking with a dragon’s mind’s
As likely as pigs flying,
And since there is no evidence
That dragons found a way
To eat sufficient bacon
To make problems go away
I came to the conclusion
That I think must ring true-ish…
Dragons don’t eat bacon,
Therefore dragons must be Jewish!
Filed under Poems
Women Turning Down Dates Be Like…
I wanted to take a moment
To tell you I adore
The way you walk, the way you talk,
The way you smile. What’s more
I wanted to appreciate
How kind you are to me.
Like rain in Spring, new life you bring
To everyone you see!
You’re honest, humble, gentle, strong,
As well as smart and brave.
You’re a man no woman can
Deny she’s always craved.
I think you’re the pinnacle
Of manliness. So there!
But I can’t go to see that show
‘Cause I have to wash my hair.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 