There they were, two armies,
One in black and one in red
Swarming from their anthill
Knowing one must soon be dead.
One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,
The other by Steve’s Work Pants.
One army shouted “We will be victorious!”
The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”
Filed under Poems
You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,
Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,
But do you recall
The most famous Mickey of all?
Mickey the big-dick Reindeer
Had a very shiny body part
And if you go deep enough on Google
You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh, except the does.
They just avoided contact
To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say…
“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.
I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”
Then how the laughter halted
As they watched the rebels flee.
“We’re sorry for feeling threatened
By your girthy masculinity!”
The stuff that makes wine
May grow on a vine;
The stuff that makes mead
Is what the bees need;
The stuff that makes leeches
Can be found on beaches;
But what makes my mind go
No one ever will know.
Filed under Poems
Young girls get to be princesses
And have real tea at their party
And have sugar and milk
And gloves made of silk,
But boys? Yep! We get to be farty!
Filed under Poems
I’m grateful for puppies
That eat the whipped cream
That we spray on their paws while they sleep,
I’m grateful for holidays
That involve candy
But nowhere to be seen is a Peep,
I’m grateful for readers
Who tolerate poems
That are four lines or less when I’m tired,
And I’m grateful for days
With a built-in theme
Because I can pretend I’m inspired.
Filed under Poems
If you never rode a bicycle
From the top of dead-man’s hill
And hit 100 miles an hour
And then took a wicked spill
And sprayed your blood all everywhere
But didn’t cry one bit
Then son, you are a wussy.
If you did, you’re full of it!
Filed under Poems
There once was a fellow named Baggins
Who tired of old Gandalf’s naggin’s.
He stole a gold ring
From a fire snake thing
And inspired the game “Dungeons and Dragons”.
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People are always joking
About how it weirds them out
That someone grabbed a cow’s udder
And drank what came out.
But I’m wondering who
Ground some wheat with a stone
Mixed it with milk and bacteria
Then left it alone
Before heating it up
To 300 degrees
And then frying it up
With some butter and cheese…
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the night before Monday
And all through the nation
There were people in need
Of another vacation.
They’d worked all their lives
Forty hours or more,
Fighting tooth and nail
For a new higher score.
The cost of the score
Was not steep if you count
Sanity and free time
As a meager amount,
And so they awoke
To commute and check out
And that, my dear kids,
Is what work’s all about.
Filed under Poems
Tonight we watched a movie
About a very macho horse.
Was it a beautiful film? Yes!
And an excuse for a short poem? Of course!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 