I’d rather have money than AIDS.
I’d rather have a dollar than a cent.
I prefer one thing to another
But I got both, so that’s the way things went!
Category Archives: Poems
Sailing Is Patriarchy
I was on a sailboat
With a democrat.
The water got bumpy;
She went overboard like that!
I threw her a rope to grab
And noticed she was frowning,
Probably offended
That I attacked her drowning.
Filed under Poems
Life, By The Numbers
Number one is what ambitious people want to be.
Number two is what you do when you don’t have to pee.
Number three’s a dream for men (if you know what I mean)
And four-point-oh’s the GPA of those who know the dean.
Five star restaurants are nice; Motel 6 is not.
If your girl’s a seven or an eight she’s pretty hot.
Nine’s the biggest number with one digit, that is true.
And ten means that non-Nabokovs think she’s too young to do.
I could do eleven, even twelve and then thirteen
But already the gimmick of the poem’s growing lean
So I will end it with a number that is really fine:
Seventy! (The number that comes after sixty-nine).
Filed under Poems
Cleatus Joins Facebook
I tried usin’ logic
On a lib’ral feller.
It was like throwin’ a flashbang
At Ms. Helen Keller.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not About What You Say
At The Women’s March
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s praised as an ally
To the feminist cause.
At The Straight Pride Parade
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s called a neo-nazi homophobe,
And that gives me pause.
Filed under Poems
Also, Why Is Gold Yellow?
If you want to see if someone
Is a masterful debater
Just ask them “Why do asteroids
“Always land within a crater?”
Filed under Poems
A Brief History of the Gold Rush
Back in the wee days of US of A
Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”
“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”
Then guess what everyone wanted to do?
And so people came from all over the planet
To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it
For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,
And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.
Now as the prospectors from far and near both
Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:
“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,
“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”
And so California became quite the haven
For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.
Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers
Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.
The Least Surprising Story Ever
The gender-neutral pronoun
In the english tongue is “he”
According to the Chicago Manual of Style.
A person on the internet
Disagreed with me.
He was a vegan 49ers fan named Kyle.
Filed under Poems
Vaping
I said “People love dying of cancer
“And stinky electrical stuff.
“Why don’t we combine them?”
Then the corporations called my bluff.
Filed under Poems
NASCAR as a Political Metaphor
The Right
NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,
And know I think I know why:
They keep turning left over and over
Until they crash, burn, and die.
———————————————————–
The Left
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But the first guy does not understand:
If the drivers do not turn left fast enough
The kill random folks in the stands.
————————————————————
The Highly Intelligent
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But I prefer monster trucks.
At least we agree on the important stuff,
Which is to agree soccer sucks.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 