Today I donned my costume
Of civilization’s promiscuity
And the intolerable agony
Such laxness ought to bring.
Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom
It looks a bit like nudity.
And officer, I’ll answer yes,
It is a nipple ring.
Category Archives: Poems
Prudent Historical Decisions
There’s a reason there aren’t dentists
On that South Dakota mountain
‘Cause then they’d have to call it “Mount Brushmore.”
For taste there’s no accountin’.
Filed under Poems
It’s The Thought That Counts
I saw a homeless family.
In rags they all did dress.
They held a sign: “We appreciate
“Whatever you’ll spare. God Bless.”
I just happened to be
Driving home from the lab
And I had extra hydrochloric acid
Beside me in the cab.
I tossed them the beakers
Which catch they did not.
Oh the presumably joyful tears
To their eyes that I brought!
Some people would pass them
Without thinking twice
But today I was different.
Today I was nice.
Filed under Poems
Things Could Be Better… Or Not?
Remember that time,
That era of bliss,
When everything was
So much better than this?
When rainbows were present
Despite sunny days?
When you truthfully liked
One or more high school plays?
When people were friendlier
Than they are now?
When you could eat beef
Without harming a cow?
When the radio played
All your favorite songs
And giant monkeys weren’t kings
But elected-representative Kongs?
When Hamilton tickets
Could be purchased without
Selling infants on ebay
And a diagnosis of gout?
When Harambe was living
And that neighbor you hate
Was still in a prison
Somewhere in Kuwait?
But alas, you are peasants
And remember you don’t.
You tell me “say sorry,”
But too bad, I won’t.
Filed under Poems
Everyone In Greece Is Laughing Now
Όλοι στην Ελλάδα
είναι το γέλιο τώρα.
Σου είπα.
Filed under Poems
Why I Don’t Rap
My glass chicken
Laid a Faberge egg.
Last night you laid your hand.
My cow produces
Golden milk.
My bull excretes your band.
Filed under Poems
Mensa Parties
My friends flanked me
And asked
In a way which I’ll say
Was stereophonic
“What’s a funny example
Of a time
When crap happened
That was ironic?”
I thought for a bit
When suddenly
An epiphany whiffed at me
Through the mounting tension.
I said “well one time
“People used words
“Expressing something contrary
To their literal intention.”
Filed under Poems
Blind Dates
Her hair is long and red.
Here eyes are green and furry.
Her skin is made of broken souls.
Good thing my vision’s blurry.
Filed under Poems
Medical Motivation
I’m a proctologist,
Healer of butts.
That much I swear is the truth.
Folks always ask
Why I’ve chosen such work
That so clearly is gross and uncouth.
Some say it’s because
I want to be rich.
Some think I must be gay.
Some say I’ve got
A stick up my butt
And I want you to feel the same way.
Some say I had talent
In medical school
And I’d probably have aced all my classes
If I hadn’t been so
Dedicated and focused
On the likes of my peers and their asses.
Some say I love butts
A little too much
But hadn’t the talent for porn.
The truth is I want
To study in depth
How politicians are born.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 