So many nights I spent
Uninspired in my bed
Staring at the blinking cursor
With pages empty as my head.
The night after the election
So many topical jokes did flow
Which, hilarious as they might have been,
Of them the world can’t know.
A literal pot of gold
In my conciousness did lie
On the bright side much humor’s to come
Thanks to America’s choice. Bye bye!
Filed under Poems
Tonight in America…
All I’ve got to say
Is that yesterday’s poem
Is fading farther away.
Okay, I lied.
Either way four more years
Of falling stock values
And high sales of beers.
Filed under Poems
I want to see a sport
Where forty normal guys
Cooperate athletically
To share a worthy prize.
No one would hit each other.
No feelings would be hurt.
They’d go home with clean jerseys
And their hands devoid of dirt.
No penalties are needed
For good sportsmanship prevails
And from such competition
Comes a host of happy tales.
Such sports would be refreshing
And a lovely change of pace
But for now I’ll stick with boxing
‘Cause I love some hand-to-face!
Filed under Poems
Discretion is a virtue
For which some have a knack.
Alas, it seems my roommate
In this department oft does lack.
I too must use discretion
When I lay upon his pillow
Subtle ads for soundproofing
And houses for rent on Zillow.
His endurance is remarkable
As much as his discretion.
He can “dance” for 90 minutes
Split into 60 micro-sessions.
I thought about live-tweeting
My compatriot’s loving dance
But by the time I’d typed my password
I’d already lost my chance.
Now in addition to discretion
Temperance I must display
To avoid sending him this poem
About his “bet you can’t have just one” lays.
You might call that passive-aggressive
And Dear Reader you’d be right.
I’ll ponder such implications
As I’m live-tweeting tonight.
Filed under Poems
I want a theme park
Where 60-foot insects
Entertain guests
Who beside the bugs sit.
I hope the bugs bite
And destroy anybody
Who’s freaky enough
To buy a ticket to it.
Filed under Poems
Great Scott would eat no pot.
His wife was also clean.
Their afternoons were generally normal
And they did not live in Colorado.
Filed under Poems
I saw her in a shady bar
And decided to go a step too far.
I invited her out into my car
Beneath the full white moon.
We did about what you’d expect.
It was so wrong yet so correct.
We surely were not circumspect
And afterwards slept ’til noon.
And when at twelve I done awoke
I very nearly had a stroke
For beside me was a bearded bloke
Where before there’d been a lady.
That moment’s when I’d realize
That full white moon caused the disguise.
I’d fallen prey to a Werewoman’s lies.
Now the bars I go to are less shady.
Filed under Poems
So many people live like eggs
It’s almost not okay.
Their only goal is, like an egg,
To get laid every day.
Filed under Poems
I won “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”
On Venezuelan TV.
Now I’m wondering where to spend it
And who will share the fries with me.
Filed under Poems
Today I donned my costume
Of civilization’s promiscuity
And the intolerable agony
Such laxness ought to bring.
Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom
It looks a bit like nudity.
And officer, I’ll answer yes,
It is a nipple ring.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 