And on the seven-million-fourteenth day
The Christian God said “let there be
“An era of slow internet.”
No other explanation do I see.
Category Archives: Poems
Maybe I Should Quit Looking Online
My perfect girl is tallish,
Between 4’6″ and 6’11”.
She’s morally relatable,
Bound for either Hell or Heaven.
My perfect girl has two eyeballs,
Or maybe one or three.
They could be green or blue or brown
Or red. It’s all good for me.
My perfect girl has some fingers
And a near-equal number of toes.
I’m sorry that I have to be picky
But she must have fewer than two torsoes.
My perfect girl comes in all shapes
Yet all I seem to find
Are the 7’0″ five-yellow-eyed, limbo-bound, poly-torsoed
Asymnetrically-finger/toed kind.
Expect Many More Of These :-)
Some days I write a poem
That’s actually very good,
The day after which I struggle
To write something equally good
But then I rhyme a word with itself
And it goes off the rails from there
And I realize no matter what I do
It’s not going to be as good
So I relax and quit trying.
Filed under Poems
My Evenings In A Nutshell
A few minutes ago
It was ten o’clock
And I yawned as I started for bed.
Now five minute later
It’s midnight
And awakeness is filling my head.
You may think I’m lying,
That physical science
Will prove that this poem’s untrue
But I beg to differ.
It’s a sterling example
Of what late-night Youtube binging can do.
Filed under Poems
Thou Art Too Cruel
Perhaps thou art a hero
Or perhaps a simply thief,
A knight in shining armor
Or a bit of comic relief?
Or maybe thou art a villain,
An evil mastermind
Who prays on innocent people
Instead of being kind?
It seems I am mistaken
About the character of your heart.
You’re just a man who laughs
At poets that say “thou art.”
Filed under Poems
Midnight Foot Warmer
Soft doggy, warm doggy,
You I do implore:
Happy doggy, sleepy doggy,
Please don’t poop at midnight right outside my bedroom door.
Again.
Filed under Poems
Being Mediocre
I may not be Annie Oakley
But you’ve never seen a fellow
Hit the broad side of a barn
Like I can do!
I may not be a doctor
But when a friend turns yellow
No one can say “there there”
Like I’ve learned to!
I’m not a jack of any trade.
Perhaps that’s why I’ve got it made.
I’m a wizard who can’t even cast a spell!
But that stuff is overrated,
Sloth underappreciated.
Yes, being mediocre’s pretty swell!
I haven’t learned a trade,
Nor the sciences or arts,
But I can sit around
Like no one’s business!
And when you see me doing
Nothing that requires smarts, you’ll ask
The fellow next to you
“Who on earth is this?”
I’m a man with no profession,
Absent when class is in session
Because I’m born unable to work well.
But that won’t dampen my mood
‘Cause my life’s still pretty good.
Yes, being mediocre’s pretty swell!
So if you’re not a Grant or Lincoln
There’s no need for you to feel
As though your greatest dreams
Will not come true!
Your dream of happy lounging’s
Achievable through clever scroungings
And if I can do it, surely
So can you!
I’m no poet but I rhyme!
You’ve a quarter, I’ve a dime!
I’ve no fear at all of being damned to Hell
‘Cause they’ll never let me in.
If you do nothing, you can’t sin.
Posthumous mediocrity is swell!
Yes being mediocre’s pretty swell!
All Lives But One
The folks who say #AllLivesMatter
Are undisputedly wrong,
And apparently have not met
Joffrey Baratheon.
Filed under Poems
A Toothache, A Pun, A Confession
Might a very good dentist
Be given a plaque
And to avoid getting fired
Have to give it back?
This evening I find
My mind is so blank
That’s my most poignant thought.
For your patience I thank.
Filed under Poems
What I Know About Asia
Korea is a country
I do not know much about.
Japan is a country
Whose cartoon characters look caucasian.
Thailand is a country
That knows what cooking’s all about.
Good China is a country
We only use on special occasions.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 