People complain frequently
Because something’s always bad.
If nothing’s bad at present
They remember something sad.
Alas, complainers never lack
Sources of inspiration:
If shit didn’t happen every day
They’d complain of constipation.
Category Archives: Poems
You’re The Only One
When I look at you
I see the stars in your eyes,
Round and full of love
And the same blue as the sky’s.
I see your lips, so ruby red
That whisper sweet lies
And I know you’re the only one.
Your hair is like a waterfall
Caressing my cheek.
The joy I feel around you
Makes my eyes spring a leak.
If I could only find the words
I know that I’d speak
To tell you you’re the only one.
You’re the only one
Who brings color to my world,
Who’s cooler than the winter
And more lovely than the fall.
The only one so beautiful
I cannot believe
That I feel no attraction at all.
You have an angel’s heart
And a siren’s sweet voice.
My apathy towards you
Cannot be by choice.
Maybe it has to do
With how you say “nice” as “noice.”
Whatever reason, you’re the only one.
You might just be an angel
Spreading joy to the land
The light of the world flowing
From the palm of your hand.
In spite of your perfection
You simply must understand
That you’re literally the only one.
The only one that leaves me
Feeling dry in my pants,
Uninspired to sing
And unwilling to dance.
You’re like an inconsistent meter
From one stanza to the next,
Which perhaps is why, from me,
You always will go un-sexed.
You’re the only one
To walk across a fire for me.
You’re maybe my only true love,
Destined for all time is you and me.
And so as this song/poem
Finds itself so near it’s end
Know that literally everyone turns me on
But you’re the only “just a friend.”
To All The PhDs Enjoying a Sporting Event Today (Or On A Given Future Day, Circumstances Permitting)
I realize this day is special
For a contest will take place
In which genetically superior constituents
Will seek, in scoring, to outpace
Their counterparts in opposition
Within a time allotted,
Thus justifying the fiduciary endowments
With which said constituents are besotted.
I hope that in future contests
Of similar athletic variety
That your subgroup of physically-fit object-movers
May prove worthy of your them-focused piety.
In fact, I would extend my well wishes
That your team may excel in perpetuity
Until their superior members inevitably decay
And we may correct our lost-time incongruity.
Filed under Poems
One Does Not
Slap a chicken with a fish-
You may do that if you wish.
Put a baby in a pot-
Sure you can, or maybe not.
Eat raw eggs and bacon too-
I probably wouldn’t, but I’m not you.
There’s but one act that’s out of order:
Simply walking into Mordor.
Filed under Poems
The One That Got Away
She was a lovely Venomoth
With 409 CP.
Although I gave her many Razz
She would not stay with me.
She ripped off all my Pokeballs
And left me pale with pallor.
I hope that she finds happiness
With someone from team Valor.
Filed under Poems
Unbiased Advice On Picking Your Pokemon Go Team
Now that we can realize
Our Pokemon-catching dreams
We must make the hard decision
Of picking from three teams.
The team that you decide on
Is the team to which you stick,
So I’ve written this unbiased poem
To help you make your pick.
First we have team valor,
The team for the brave and true.
Second is team instinct
If impulsive describes you.
If either of these teams
Is the one you eventually choose
I hope that you find comfort
In the fact you’re sure to lose.
For among the three teams
One’s sure to reign supreme:
The mighty Articuno
Leads the mighty Mystic team!
If you reside anywhere
From the South Pole to Juneau
Know that you’ll find victory
With Team Blue and Articuno.
If you pick red and Moltres
Or Zapdos and team yellow
You’re surely a disgrace
And an addle-brain-ed fellow
For mystic gives you answers
That don’t require you to think.
Besides, unlike the other two
Team Mystic doesn’t stink.
I’ve presented much hard evidence
To support my choice,
But if you still think otherwise
I urge you – raise your voice!
I’d love to read your poems
That explain how you chose wrong.
Now just imagine this poem ends
With fireworks and a gong.
Filed under Poems
If It Were Anyone Else…
I woke up to a naked woman
Playfully hitting me with foam
Which makes me think tomorrow
Grandma’s going to a home.
Filed under Poems
I Started Out Inspired…
I have a feather duster
For if my birds get dusty.
I’ve got a picture frame
Just in case I commit a crime.
I’ve got a pizza face
For if I’m feeling crusty.
What I don’t have is a clue
Of how to end this poem in a satisfying way.
Geographically Limited
I wish I had a pirate ship
To show off to my neighbors,
To terrorize the waterways
And make legends of my labors.
I’d earn the love of ladies fair
And earn the lawmen’s hate.
Yes, I’d be the best damn pirate
In Arizona state.
Filed under Poems
My Life At This Moment
I’ve been awake
For fourty hours now.
Almost got murdered
By a stray dog tonight.
I’m whiter than mayo
Or milk from a cow
But they released #PokemonGo
So I guess I’m alright.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 