When I drink my morning coffee
I think about my wife,
And how the two of them together
Give me such a perfect life.
And when I drink my evening coffee
And I lie awake at night
I know neither one has chest hair,
And that makes me feel all right.
Category Archives: Poems
In Loving Memory
Somewhere in my memory
Lies July the seventeenth.
(That’s yesterday, in case you didn’t know’st).
That was the day my mind
Was way off on it’s own.
It was the day that I forgot to post.
So in memorium
Of this flawless two-year goal,
This poet must apologize to you.
But if my memory serves,
Then the poem you may have seen
Would’ve been a pretty bad half-assed haiku.
Filed under Poems
Working for Myself
I had a lunch hour at my old job,
But that just wasn’t enough.
I need some time in the middle of the day
To just relax and stuff.
I told my boss about my plight.
Now I take two hours instead
To eat my meal and check my mail
And generally clear my head.
Still, my malaise remained in place,
Even when I took
My two 15-minute breaks
Before and after my lunch nook.
Now my lunch is 16 hours
And I’m darn pleased to heck.
Self employment’s really something,
But I wish they’d send my check.
Filed under Poems
The Slump
A slump is a chump
Whose throat has a lump,
As does its cerebral cortex.
It will make you it’s chow.
I’m stuck in one now.
(Either that or a temporal vortex).
Filed under Poems
He Takes Rejection Well
Cows stampede and lemings leap.
Dogs will chase that herd of sheep.
Boys will be boys and socks be darned.
Bad baby horses will be sent to their barn.
Lines will be crossed and drawn in the sand.
Books by this poet will someday be banned.
A tree will fall and turn into a log,
And Saturday she has to walk her friend’s dog.
Filed under Poems
I Hate Music
Trees are nice. So are rocks,
But not so much big cities,
‘Cause they are full of people
Whose heads are full of ditties.
They sing all day despite themselves,
Albeit silently.
I cannot stand these catchy tunes
That I cannot hear or see.
And so I moved out to the woods
Are jingles don’t exist.
And now getting rid of the birds
Is on my to-do list.
Filed under Poems
We Aim To Please
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 