Shortest day of year
Then Grandma says “anal cyst”
Feels much longer now
Category Archives: Poems
A Limerick Reflecting On Labor And One’s Ephemeral Separation Therefrom On The Occasion Of A Holiday
There once was a break in my work
When I didn’t have to go to work
And my days had no work
And the absence of work
Was accentuated by not going to work.
Filed under Poems
Jazz
Some music tells a story
Through its lyrics and its tune
While other songs can set a mood
Akin to Clair de Lune,
But gather up some saxophones
And play the notes you shouldn’t
And enjoy the kind of angry zen
That other music couldn’t.
You play between the melody
And skip around the beat,
Lighting cigars from wreckage
Of that old Chernobyl heat,
Not thinking of the church or state
Or fighting that good fight
But hearing without listening
And feeling things be right.
When every chord is almost sweet
And every stab of pain
Invites the opportunity
For dancing in the rain
You’ll know you’ve found the answer
And a chill runs down your spine
Because your call’s important
So please stay on the line.
*#%^ing Algorithms…
A long time ago
When iPods were new
There was a cool button
And what it would do
Is shuffle your music
So your tunes would play
In a randomized order
And people said “Hey
“This feature is awesome
“But it doesn’t quite do
“What the ‘shuffle’ descriptor
“Implies you want to.”
Now twenty years later
A CEO said
“Nah, it’s still good enough”
And then went off to bed.
Filed under Poems
Marketing, Baby!
Women buy all kinds of scented candles
With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.
These candles smell like what the label tells you
And that kind of clarity is good.
The reason men don’t buy more scented candles
Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy
Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”
Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.
Filed under Poems
I Used To Dress Up Like Grandma… Now I Save Other Animals From My Mistake
The big bad wolf went down to the coop
Where the farmer said “There’s 38 genders.”
The wolf ain’t ate no chickens so far
But he ate the chicken tenders.
Filed under Poems
Tesla? More Like Tes-lame! Am I Right?
In the high school for automobiles
No one likes the electric cars.
They don’t get invited to parties
And they aren’t the athletic stars.
Not even the nerds like the ‘lectrics
Because all the gas cars have colluded
To ensure what we’ve known all our lives:
That batteries aren’t included.
Filed under Poems
The Golden Age Of Hair Loss
Of all the times to be alive
Today is number one.
We’ve cured most bad diseases
And optimized our fun.
Our problems are the first-world type,
But what still seems kind of weird
Is that I was born when it’s fashionable
To be a bald guy with a beard.
Filed under Poems
The Real Party Is Getting 7-9 Hours Of Sleep Every Night
It’s Friday night
And the bar is hoppin’.
Folks are tired
From Christmas shoppin’.
All around
Drinks off are toppin’
And fists do fly
And guys be droppin’
But I don’t know
What pills they’re poppin’
‘Cause my bed said “Hi”
And into it I drop in.
Filed under Poems
Be Me, A 30-Year-Old Child
Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 