Category Archives: Poems

What I Want For Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And in every shop

The employees were praying

For the music to stop.

Then over the speakers

There came a great roar

Of earsplitting guitar,

Bass, and four on the floor.

The singer was screaming

About who-on-Earth-knows

And the customers shopping

For last minute clothes

Stood still in the aisles

And heard the hard rock

And were grateful to that guy

Who turned off the schlock.

An employee was fired

For changing the playlist

But the customers rallied

And described him as “A-list”

And as he departed

And the carols returned

The shoppers revolted…

Firing overturned!

So the metal resumed

And the shoppers came back

And they purchased roast beef

And sang “Back In Black”.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Unlock Next Year’s Poem For $99.99/Month (50% Off)?

I had a lovely afternoon

About which you’ll never hear

Because I’m saving the clever poems

For probably sometime next year.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Legitimate Question For The Floridians (Sending Love From Washington State)

So in the warm parts of the world

Where the snow never falls in December

Do they still play the same Christmas carols

Or some songs Northerners don’t remember

Like “I want a gator for Christmas”

Or “Chestnuts roasting in a forest fire”

Or my particular favorite:

“There’s no snow to shovel when I retire”?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Happy Solstice

Shortest day of year

Then Grandma says “anal cyst”

Feels much longer now

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

A Limerick Reflecting On Labor And One’s Ephemeral Separation Therefrom On The Occasion Of A Holiday

There once was a break in my work

When I didn’t have to go to work

And my days had no work

And the absence of work

Was accentuated by not going to work.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Jazz

Some music tells a story

Through its lyrics and its tune

While other songs can set a mood

Akin to Clair de Lune,

But gather up some saxophones

And play the notes you shouldn’t

And enjoy the kind of angry zen

That other music couldn’t.

You play between the melody

And skip around the beat,

Lighting cigars from wreckage

Of that old Chernobyl heat,

Not thinking of the church or state

Or fighting that good fight

But hearing without listening

And feeling things be right.

When every chord is almost sweet

And every stab of pain

Invites the opportunity

For dancing in the rain

You’ll know you’ve found the answer

And a chill runs down your spine

Because your call’s important

So please stay on the line.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

*#%^ing Algorithms…

A long time ago

When iPods were new

There was a cool button

And what it would do

Is shuffle your music

So your tunes would play

In a randomized order

And people said “Hey

“This feature is awesome

“But it doesn’t quite do

“What the ‘shuffle’ descriptor

“Implies you want to.”

Now twenty years later

A CEO said

“Nah, it’s still good enough”

And then went off to bed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Marketing, Baby!

Women buy all kinds of scented candles

With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.

These candles smell like what the label tells you

And that kind of clarity is good.

The reason men don’t buy more scented candles

Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy

Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”

Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I Used To Dress Up Like Grandma… Now I Save Other Animals From My Mistake

The big bad wolf went down to the coop

Where the farmer said “There’s 38 genders.”

The wolf ain’t ate no chickens so far

But he ate the chicken tenders.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tesla? More Like Tes-lame! Am I Right?

In the high school for automobiles

No one likes the electric cars.

They don’t get invited to parties

And they aren’t the athletic stars.

Not even the nerds like the ‘lectrics

Because all the gas cars have colluded

To ensure what we’ve known all our lives:

That batteries aren’t included.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems