Do not stand between a man
Who’s running and a bathroom.
Do not wear a pair of pants
With insufficient calf room.
Those who want to sell you crap
Will first tell you “Hello.”
If you’re out of shampoo
Do not substitute Jello
Category Archives: Poems
Millennial Fantasies
Sometimes when I’m feeling blue
I try a little trick
Where I think I’m a Pokemon
Who’s very, very sick
And instead of going to my job
I go to the free healthcare place
And the happy nurse makes me feel better.
Then I punch my boss’s face.
Filed under Poems
Aspirations
I’m a freakin’ space marine!
Half man, half god, half war machine!
I wipe out armies with my fists!
And turn alien brains into alien mists!
I’ve saved every planet from certain death!
When women see me they gasp for breath!
I’m a freakin’ space marine, you know!
What mom? Ooh, pizza? Gotta go!
Filed under Poems
After EVs, What’s Next?
Someday in the future
Ours cars will be a dream:
We’ll make them half the weight and cost
Of today’s driving machine.
They’ll have less wear on tires
And do less harm to the roads,
Go four times as far in rain or shine
And haul heavier loads.
They’ll recharge themselves in minutes
And use only renewable power.
We’ll call them “Gasoline powered”.
Just my thoughts from the shower…
Filed under Poems
The Tide Pod Song
When I turn on my television
I see a world of superstition
Where our leaders act like children,
Have a cow.
Meanwhile, the kids can’t read or write
And I stay awake at night
And think “That Tide Pod’s looking pretty tasty now.”
We used to run through flowery meadows
But now the news says they’re full of pedos.
There hasn’t been a film worth watching for a year.
Now I could watch Star Wars again
Or read a book or try some zen
But I’m leaning towards a Tide Pod and a beer.
You can’t see the stars at night;
We’re devoid of light delights.
It’s the darkest season most of us have faced.
But the laundry in the dryer
Caused another forest fire
And we can’t let all that detergent go to waste…
I guess life ain’t all that bleak
Just cause girls are men and men are weak
And our food and water cause infertility.
Let’s count our blessings, me and you:
I’ll say “one”, and you say “two”,
Then have some denatorium benzoate with me.
Filed under Poems
The Master Will Go Now
The fact that thrice you mentioned
That you don’t care about corn Jimmy cracks
Makes me think that your indifference
Is facade instead of facts.
Filed under Poems
This Is My New Favorite Synonym For Buttcrack
I looked at the thong and what it covered
(Or more of what it didn’t hide).
I saw that arcing crack and had to ask
The most pressing question: “Butt Y?”
Filed under Poems
Rainy Parking Lot
Little drops of ocean sky
Fall upon my Honda’s hood.
I am warm and dry inside,
Content and sleepy. Life is good.
The raindrops play their glassy drum;
None of them would e’er predict
The mayhem that my wiper blades
Will, on their zen, so soon inflict.
Filed under Poems
When The Evil Witch Is On Social Media…
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder:
This much I know is true.
Logically, it must therefore follow
That you’re beheld by very few.
Filed under Poems
The White Guy Equivalent Is “Orr and Stafford”
Which Mexican guy is a sailor?:
Señor Gonzalez or Señor Cruz?
Well, Gonzalez does the actual sailing…
Cruz just crew the cruise.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 