I wish we called colors by animal names
Because it’s infinitely more awesome
To paint a car shark instead of just grey
Or pour cream ‘til your coffee is possum.
Category Archives: Poems
Limerick for a Job Interview
There once was a gap in a resumé
That occurred when the candidate was away
‘Cause when you’ve had enough crap
Turns out a resumé gap
Can be just what you need. Okay?
Filed under Poems
An Accurate Portrayal Of Tension Is Limited By The Medium Of Expression
I’m on bad wifi
Trying to publish a post
But I think it might…
Filed under Poems
Root Beer
It’s brown, sweet, and bubbly
With plenty of fuzz
And it foams when you pour it
‘Cause that’s what it does.
But why I really love it
Is it’s the only thing that never
Appears in advertisements
Anywhere, ever!
Filed under Poems
Man’s Favorite Hobby
Sometimes you go to the bathroom
To just get away from it all
Or sometimes you make a poop
That’s the color of Darth Maul.
They both take about the same time
To finish, which is alright.
I did one while writing this poem
So you’re welcome. Now good night.
Filed under Poems
A Political Prodigy
I think my daughter will be president
Because she’s only three years old
And already knows how to tell everyone
To shut up and do as they’re told.
Filed under Poems
Softball Questions
There once was a baseball glove
Who, with a human, fell in love.
You may doubt, but I’ll confirm it:
They lived together, but he’s a her mitt.
Filed under Poems
The Masculine Dilemma
I could pay money every month
To have access to a gym
Where I lift heavy objects
To feel pain within my limb
And when the lifting’s over
I can climb or bike or run
On a machine that makes it possible
To never feel done
Then I can take my clothes off
In a public locker room
And eat vegetables for breakfast…
Or I can stay home and play Doom.
Filed under Poems
My First Bachelor Party (True Story)
I ate a lot of sushi
And I drove a lot of miles
And played a lot of board games
And enjoyed a lot of smiles
And now I’m in a Lexus
Writing poems on my phone
And so far I’ve only said one thing
For which I must atone…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 