When I was a kid in school
I was never very cool.
I was skinny like an elf
And ate my lunches by myself.
I though cool sticks were precious pearls;
I paid no mind to all the girls.
Looking back, I need to say
Why can’t I have all that today?
“Housing Prices Are Becoming More Affordable” He Said Between Bites Of $50 Celery
In October I didn’t write any posts
And apparently all of my readers were ghosts.
This month I wrote things, and here’s how it went:
My views went up 234 percent!
See, when you take big things and make them real small
It doesn’t take very much effort at all
To make a small number look very excitin’
And that’s economics presented by Biden.
Filed under Poems
Carol Of The Belch
Hark! Hear the belch, deep throaty belch
That seems to say, “Guys, I’m ok!”
Family is here, bringing cheap beer
To young and old (or so I’m told).
Ding-dong-ding-dong: The doorbell’s song.
Another aunt? I really can’t…
One wants to say “Please go away”
They’re everywhere, breathing our air.
Family is bound to be around
And to pick fights o’er petty spites.
Merry happy jolly (insert day here)
Maybe gimme some of that cheap lite beer…
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem From My Father And Mother In Law (It’s A Long Story)
I played in a band today
In a red jacket to everyone’s dismay.
The jacket was so sparkly bright
We really did play alright.
I just did two more lines
And now I’m going to do my wife’s behinds.
Filed under Poems
Remember Our Common Enemy!
‘Twas the night before… wait!
It’s not even December!
But apparently networks
Just never remember
That the time for the snowflakes
And Santa and carols
Can wait for the Winter
And family perils.
For now, I commend those
Who’re still round from turkey.
The fate of the others
Is much, much more murky.
But as we hear songs
In the stores and the stations
We endure in our silence
And summon our patience
For a time will come soon
When the jewelry ads play
And we’ll all long for Christmas,
Not Valentine’s day.
Filed under Poems
This Is Actually True, By The Way!
Today I’m thankful for low standards,
Two-line poems, and also band nerds.
Filed under Poems
Stay
You’ve gotta go
To go see a show
That a small town like me can’t provide.
You’ve dreamed of a start
That’s a lifetime apart
From how I make you feel inside.
Your castle awaits
Where a panel of fates
Wants to hear of your fall fashion line.
I’ll help with your coat
And row over the moat
All while insisting I’m fine.
When you came along
And we started our song
We both knew one day it would end.
I dreamed of five-one
But you dreamed of more fun
So I tell people you’re just a friend.
I hope your sunsets
Are as good as it gets
And your kingdom will kneel and bow
While at the same time
It feels like a crime
That I want to say “stay” anyhow.
Filed under Poems
Your Nightly 90’s Nostalgia
There once was a hand made of goo
That up at the ceiling you threw.
Then it would go “plop”
And eventually drop
And then you’d repeat that. Woo hoo!
Filed under Poems
Getting Dressed
There once was a skirt from Jerusalem
That wanted to grow its vertical some.
It tried adding a shirt
But it turns out the skirt
Might have needed a dress rehearsal., hm?
Filed under Poems
Seriously Seattle?
There once was a Seattle bird team
Who fought a sports battle upstream.
Alas, the sheep rallied
While the birds dilly-dallied
And now they’re an NFL meme.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 