They say Jesus turned water into wine
But there’s an alternative guess I see:
I think Jesus was the inventor of Kool-Aid
But hadn’t perfected the recipe.
In Retrospect, Childhood Had Its Perks
I have to go to bed soon
And wake up before quarter-to-noon
And then drive my car
And not get a gold star
And I can’t even watch a cartoon!
Filed under Poems
The Bar Is Low
As she slid the dollar bill
Between my boxers and my abs
I came to the conclusion
Grandma shouldn’t have opened a tab.
The Best Revenge Is A Fifth Grade Band Student
Blow ye trumpet!
Blow yer horn
From sunset ‘til
Tomorrow morn’.
Bugle brightly
As if in labor
For I’m out of town
And I hate my neighbors!
Filed under Poems
There May Also Be Breeding Involved…
There once was a digital horse
Who ran with electrical force.
It’s in my girlfriend’s phone
And now I’m alone
‘Cause she’s busy racing, of course!
Filed under Poems
A Boy Becomes A Man (Mouse Saga Pt. 2)
Snap crackle pop
Is the sound you hear
When you pour rice crispies
And have some fun.
Snap crackle pop
May also appear
When the mouse trap makes
Your husbandly duties done.
Filed under Poems
Confessions of an Art Professor
Sure, his work was childish
And adequate at best…
Did I give too much homework
Or too difficult a test?
Perhaps I judged too harshly…
I didn’t know I’d cause a fuss
When I told my student, Adolf,
That he’d earned a big D+
Filed under Poems
Predicting the Future
The year was 2055
And Disney was somehow still alive.
Their greatest writer stood and said
“What if Black Panther was white instead?”
And coast to coast the people caved
As bloggers whined and critics raved
And I, at 60 years, just sat
Rewatching Shrek, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 