There once was a hush-money trial
That went on for quite a while.
The jury used their melon
And decided he’s a felon
But he’ll still win votes with a smile.
Tag Archives: America
The Menace Is No Longer Phantom
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
But They Gave You Two Choices!
Once some Spartans got bored
And one of them grabbed a sword.
They said “We can stab you
“Or instead spear you too”
And thus democracy was restored.
Filed under Poems
If You Don’t Think This Poem Rhymes, You’re A Racist
We were born in an America
Where if you TP a house
You’re arrested not for vandalism
But for cultural appropriation
Since some white chick heard “teepee”
And her grandmother was 1/8th Cherokee
And African Americans invented toilet paper
So you’re screwed either way.
Filed under Poems
You Didn’t Even Notice The $177,000,000,000 Extra Debt Since The First Verse (And Therein Lies The Problem)
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars we owe!
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars…
Take a vote
For a promissory note
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven billion seven-hundred eighty-one million three-hundred twenty-five thousand and change that we owe!
Filed under Poems
Privatize Social Credit?
Instead of food or clothing
We should donate cameras
To the homeless and the needy
And the reason is because
A stinky guy with bad hair
With the sign: “I’m live on Twitch”
Will get people to donate more…
At least that’s my pitch!
Filed under Poems
Sunbathing? Sure…
I thought about the venus flytrap
And how cool are carnivorous plants.
Then I thought about the opposite
And how we might enhance
An animal that ate no meat
And was immobile and sat in the sun.
Turns out there’s an animal like that:
The “Californian”.
Filed under Poems
‘Fro Zen
The snow glows white in Chicago tonight.
Not a footprint to be found.
A kingdom of isolation
And my car’s in the impound.
The wind was howling and my tank was running low.
Sure, my parking place may have been yellow…
I won’t give in, Mitsubishi,
I’ll be the badass the streets demand I be.
Conceal, don’t feel, just pay the fee
Mirage LE…
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold my ride anymore
Let it go, let it go
Give me keys, unlock the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say
So a hydrant’s blocked?
The fires never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how Chi-town’s police force can be so white and small
And the laws that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
The ticket’s free!
Let it go, let it go
I will hop in my car and drive
Let it go, let it go
You won’t take me alive
Stamp the gas and I’ll peel away
Let the storm rage on
My drive train puts me through the air then to the ground
My wheels are spiraling on f***ing black ice all around
And one thought rises as I almost crap my pants…
Extended warranty… I really missed my chance!
Let it go, let it go
As I careen across some dude’s lawn
Let it go, let it go
Now I think my bumper’s gone
As they read my rights I know I’m ok…
I’ll get community service
As long as I mention I’m black and gay.
Filed under Poems
Mrs. Doubtfire, Or Your Girl’s High School Sports Team?
There once was a comedy movie
About a guy who loved kids, and for proof he
Dressed up like a girl
And changed some kid’s world
And everyone said that it’s groovy.
Filed under Poems
Alternate Political Thoughts
Roosevelt called it “A New Deal.”
‘Twas just an IOU.
He didn’t know who’d pay for it,
But turns out that it’s you.
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Emancipation proclamation?
More like “Cut the black a little slack”.
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Medicine prices don’t seem fair?
Let’s have some Obamacare!
Instead of paying to heal me
I pay so you get care for free!
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There’ve been 27 amendments,
Of which ten were automatic
In this American republic
Which is also democratic.
One was banning alcohol.
One was saying “Oops, our bad”
And that may be the greatest unity
The States have ever had.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 