Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,
Her breasts were like Mount Hood.
Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls
And all these things were good.
I held her hand and felt as big
And strong as Haystack Rock
Until my wife came home that night
And smacked me with her cock.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the day before Thanksgiving
And all of the Bauers
Were being ungrateful
For 24 hours
For tomorrow they knew
They must put on a smile
And pretend to be happy,
At least for a while.
Then out of the sun
Did a meteor fall
And struck down the Bauers
And flattened them all.
On Thanksgiving that followed
This disaster from God
Everyone else was happy,
Which no one found odd…
Filed under Poems
Life gave one guy lemons
And life gave the next guy a kid.
The first guy made some lemonade.
You don’t wanna know what the second guy did…
Filed under Poems
At the 5K Run for white power
People called me “Hitler” to my face.
I disagreed with them, explaining
“Unlike Hitler, I can finish a race.”
Filed under Poems
I asked “Why call it PMS?
“This will really save my bacon!”
One man wrote back “It’s PMS
“‘Cause ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was taken.”
Filed under Poems
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
I wonder if the guidance counselor
At Hitler’s Alma Mater
Told him to “Just be yourself”
And then regretted it later.
Filed under Poems
I’d rather have money than AIDS.
I’d rather have a dollar than a cent.
I prefer one thing to another
But I got both, so that’s the way things went!
Filed under Poems
The waves were crashing on the shore;
It was a lovely sight.
The fireflies caroused with me
Amidst the starry night.
The sand, still warm with faded sun,
Was soft beneath my feet.
Then my house was firebombed
By the US Pacific Fleet.
Filed under Poems
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 