“Do what makes you happy”
Is what my first psychiatrist said,
So can you really blame me
When the shrink ended up all dead?
Tag Archives: Black Humor
Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor
A religious type of joke
Is often what offends
An amazing group of people’s
Imaginary friends.
I will mock all religions
In this poem I now write
Except, or course, for Islam
‘Cause I’m flammable and white.
I saw a gay pride event
As I was walking to my car.
They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church
So the priests needn’t walk too far.
I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke
And so I took a stab. I
Think they might have laughed had I
Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.
I met a “spiritual but not religious”
Person just the other day.
I asked them “is my latte ready?”
They said “yes, now go away.”
I’m not sure about Agnostics.
If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.
The Buddhists suffer eternally
Whether or not they read this poem.
I want to end with one last joke
To make you giggle or scoff:
Don’t get circumcised on a budget
‘Cause it might be a rip off.
Yes, And: Suicide Prevention
I said to my therapist
“I want to end it all,
To solve all of my problems
With a gun and/or a fall.”
My therapist nodded grimly,
Stared up at the ceiling fan,
And said “well, you’ve convinced me.
Thanks a million, man!”
In the end, I didn’t kill myself,
As nice as that would be
‘Cause when I die another problem
Will be waiting there for me.
Filed under Poems
…Until You Fall Asleep
Is it evil to hate those
Who collide at high speed
And slow down the traffic
On your way to work?
If you type “Lol”
When you mean “I hope you bleed,”
Is that being human
Or being a jerk?
If somebody pokes you
And you grab their head
And crush it with gusto
In an industrial vice,
Or set them on fire
And chant “Presto Combusto”
Is that so wrong?
Ok… I’ll be nice…
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the Month Before Christmas
The reindeer grew impatient.
They’d not flown for a year,
And so had entertained themselves
With dirty jokes and beer.
The big night was six weeks away.
They wanted to hit the gym,
But they had to have permission from
The one, the only… Him.
So Cupid and Vixen volunteered
To do some good deer/bad deer
And get their training authorized
By mister snowy-white beard.
“Mista Claus?” Cupid asked
In her Boston reindeer drawl.
“Our bellies all got really big
And our muscles super small.”
The big red suit stayed silent
Giving no indication,
So Vixen thought the time was ripe
For some intimidation.
She leapt upon his table
And wished that she had antlers.
She smashed a few of Santa’s toys
And three vodka decanters.
Cupid saw it coming
But a few seconds too late:
Santa’s eyes got angry,
And Vixen was served on a plate.
Seven subdued reindeer
Resumed their aimless days,
Their hopes of strength forsaken
By the mounting Christmas haze.
Four weeks later, the seven awoke
To a burning reddish glare.
A red-nosed reindeer robot
Was flying through the air.
They knew at once they’d been replaced,
And that they’d have to go
To avoid poor Vixen’s fate,
Come the next Ho-Ho-Ho.
So somewhere in Alaska
Seven flabby caribou
Seek someone to fly away with them.
Perhaps it will be you?
Filed under Poems
I Know A Guy… Mostly
Three is a crowd,
Two is a fight,
One feels lonely,
One-point-five is just right.
If you need point five, call me please.
I know a lot of amputees.
Filed under Poems
Serious Black
My name’s Lashawn,
And I ain’t funny.
I think animals are cute:
I have a pet bunny.
I named it rabbit,
‘Cause that’s accurate.
I don’t hit people with chairs.
Instead, in them I sit.
If you pick a fight with me
On a moonless Autumn night,
I’ve got a serious advantage
‘Cause I blend in with darkness (I’m not white).
I believe in doing things
Without a sense of humor.
If you don’t find this funny ’cause it’s racially insensitive,
I hope you get a tumor.
Word.
Filed under Poems
A Very Clean Poem
There once was a man who lived under a rock.
He liked to watch girls while he stroked his
Llama, which was small. It had been born a runt,
And to top it all off, it had a misshapen
Ear,so the man talked to a vet, who said, “Tough luck.
Your llama’s deformed, and I don’t give a
Medicine normally for this sort of thang.
But this is a llama I would like to
Treat.” And the vet left his the room and bid the man to sit.
The vet talked to his wife, then he knelt to lick her
Lollipop that she had frozen that morn.
Meanwhile, the llama’s owner watched some real dirty
Kids sit under trees, cedar and yew.
He thought “Those are children I really want to
Get to know better,” but decided against it.
Long story short, the llama got better, and did happily spit.
Filed under Poems
The Conception of Christ
In the year of 1 B.C.
God called Gabriel.
“There’s a girl I’ve been watching, Gabe,” he said.
“In love, I fear I’ve fell.
“Gabe, I want her to have my child,”
But Gabe, he did protest.
“If all humans are your children,
Then isn’t this plan incest?”
Eventually, the angel caved,
And flew on down to Earth.
He flew into a manger,
And spoke to the woman who was to give birth.
“Nice place you have here Mary!”
He said, that April day.
“But do you ever tire of sleeping with this ass?”
Joseph arose, and shouted “Hey!”
“I’m talking about a donkey,” Gabe replied,
As he sat down on the hay-ster.
“Long story short, God want’s you pregnant.
He sent me with a turkey baster.”
“I will not let you do this, sir!”
Joseph shouted, getting mad-y.
“Don’t worry Joe,” Mary soothed.
“You can be the baby daddy!”
And nine months later, Christ was born
Inside that very manger.
If that’s not how you heard the story,
Where do you get your info, stranger?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 