If you go to prison
It’d probably be lame
If your parents gave you
A come-hither name
‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”
Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”
You’re probably in trouble.
That’s why you’re named “Flay.”
Tag Archives: Black Humor
Fired From Hallmark… Again
Why’d the first flamingo think
“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”
How’d the first hippo decide
To be as tall as it was wide?
Why did the first jackass choose
That name as the one to use?
You may wonder, so here’s a clue:
They all wanted to be like you!
Filed under Poems
I Tried To Write A Blues Song…
If the fact that night’s black
Somehow strikes you as racist,
If you’ve slacked off on the lotion
And your skin has a cray cyst,
If you drink green smoothies
And fly “coexist” kites
You may not have the blues
But you’ve sure got the whites.
When your three-year-old son
Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”
And your instagram buddies
Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”
If you’re upset you don’t need
To fight for your rights
Then I’m sorry my friend
But you may have the whites.
If Samuel L. Jackson’s
Your “number one bro,”
You think its fine to say “moron”
But not to call someone “slow,”
If you think the dragon’s
Misunderstood by the knights
Then give your friends sunglasses
‘Cause you’ve got the whites.
But if you’ve got the whites
There’s no need to be sad.
It’s not your fault your existence
Makes everything bad.
One day we won’t judge people
Based on sex, race, or fat…
If only all the fat rich white males
Could understand that!
Live and Learn
Your face in my vision
With such precision,
A sight I’ll never forget;
How your eyes met mine
At 12:09…
The feeling’s not left me yet.
I realized two truths
That night in Duluth
As to your house we started walking:
The telescope seller was good,
I fall when hit by a block of wood,
And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”
Filed under Poems
Plot Armor, Reality Edition (50% Off)
Wheresoever you should find
Yourself in trouble or a bind
Know that you will never fail
As the protagonist of your own tale.
The path of bullets shall amend
To prevent your untimely end.
Villains shall, when all is done,
See your point when you have won.
Love will find you in the dark.
Respect replaces scorn and snark.
And if instead you fail and fall…
No one minds, ’cause you weren’t the main character after all.
Filed under Poems
Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)
This morning I woke up in Heaven
In my bed at 10:43.
The sun glowed gold. I smiled
And your face smiled back at me.
The coffee and breakfast was ready
With a whole day to spend with my queen.
I looked back at your face and realized
Your body was nowhere to be seen.
Turns out to awaken in Heaven
Is not always as nice as it seems,
Or so I discovered when angels
Began to harmonize songs with my screams.
As I woke back on Earth to the thunder
All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone
I realized Heaven’s got its downsides
And sometimes there’s no place like home.
Filed under Poems
The Terrible Luck Of Being Born Into Non-Dysfunctional Cultural Paradigms
Yesterday, on Facebook,
I saw an event
That a friend wanted to,
In the future, say they went.
It was a play by Young Jean Lee
Called “Straight White Men,”
And, somewhere in my soul
I thought “Lord, not again!”
So I read the description
Of this play, ’cause ’twas late.
It said “a comedy about the people
“Who we all love to hate.”
Now that was enlightening,
And since then I’ve learned
Racism’s when white men feel good
About all that they’ve earned.
So as a straight white man
Who lives in a place
Where the windows aren’t broken
And walls aren’t defaced,
Where all violent crimes
Are, in general, rare,
I learned that such luxuries
Just aren’t fair.
I learned that I’m “privileged,”
‘Cause my life doesn’t suck,
That I’m not a poor druggy
Quite simply by luck,
That my checking account
Still has money to spare
Not because of good choices
But because life’s not fair.
Straight white men are evil
For being ourselves.
We should donate our homes
To black people or elves.
Up ’til now I’ve lived honestly,
Tried to do what was right.
I see now that’s impossible
Because I am white!
Filed under Poems
A Friendly Poem For The Boss On Your Last Day
For all of the work
U’ve put into my life,
Can I ever thank you enough?
Kause of you I can say
Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I
Own a whole lot more stuff!
Ur name here <~~~~
Filed under Poems
Meanwhile, Sales Of Potato Peelers Among Vengeful Ex-Lovers Skyrocket
You ask me how I got these cars.
I say “at the Chevy dealer.”
Then I realize you said “scars”
And I say “potato peeler.”
I now know two things very well:
I look like an evil clown
And local sales of Chevrolets
Are going to go way down.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 