Tag Archives: Christmas

The Redneck Reindeer

‘Twas the night after Christmas

And all through the crick

All the rednecks were calling

Old Francis a dick

‘Cause of all of the nights

To go hunting for deer

These nights are the very worst

Parts of the year.

He must’ve been drinking.

Why else would he look

For deer in the sky

And take the shot that he took?

Now all of the kiddies

Have stockings of air

‘Cause old Francis’s shotgun

Had pellets to spare.

But the crick kids were thankful

As they took a big bite

Of smoked red-nosed venison

On post-Christmas night.

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We All Know Someone Who Deserves This Gift Though

If you get a hippopotamus for Christmas

‘Cause only a hippopotamus will do

I won’t get a gift for you next Christmas

‘Cause you’ll just be hippopotamus poo.

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Starting The Resolutions Early

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And wouldn’t you know it,

Eight lines of verse

From your favorite poet!

Though the wording was brief

The message was clear:

I’m sleepy right now

But I’ll do better next year.

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Tube Go Whoosh!

I got a cool sword for Christmas

But the idiot at the store

Wrapped it in 100 feet of wrapping paper

And I cannot fathom what for.

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The Sound Of Christmas

Hello Santa, my old friend.

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because it seems that you have been creeping,

Watching me while I was sleeping,

And the rating that you gave me on your list

Still persists

Within the sound of Christmas.

On snowy streets I walked alone,

Seeking humbly to atone.

Sounds of sleigh bells ‘round the holidays

Remind me all about my naughty ways

And my eyes are peeled for the red of a nose so bright

To light the night,

Guiding your flight this Christmas.

And in the Winter night I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People shopping without speaking

Snowflakes falling but not glistening,

Heard the same old songs from the 1950’s blared;

No one cared

To change the sound of Christmas.

“Fools” said I, “He always knows

How many sizes your hearts grows.

Hear my words that I might teach you

To not be naughty. I beseech you.”

But my words like silent snowflakes fell

And echoed with the bells of Christmas.

And the people bowed and prayed

Where the son of God was laid

While the signs flashed out their decree:

“Come in and buy one and you’ll get one free.”

And the line down the sidewalk

Seeking discounts will find their goal

And get some coal

In their stocking this Christmas”

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Something To Hide, Fat Man?

There was a thump by the fireplace

So I snuck out to see

If I could catch old Santa Claus

Putting gifts beneath the tree.

Sure enough, that fat jolly elf

Was supplying Christmas cheer

While muttering curses to himself,

Halfway through a six-pack of beer.

“Hi Santa”, I said, then charmingly smiled.

Saint Nick jumped a foot in the air.

“What on earth are you doing, young innocent child?

“It’s way past bed time. Don’t you care?”

And so I was stuck in a Catch-22:

To say that I cared was a lie

And as any child my age surely knew

That would make my presents go goodbye

But to say I don’t care about bed time

Is naughty list stuff (or adjacent)

So I smiled and said, “Oops, off to bed!”

And I went to my room to be patient.

Next morning I woke and discovered, delighted,

My gifts were still under the tree

So that drunk so-and-so who guffaws “ho-ho-ho”

Must be naughtier even than me?

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The Santa/Netflix Dichotomy

When people say that Santa Claus

Is, and has always been, white

I agree with them in principle

But ask if it’s alright

That going down a million chimneys

Every Christmas night

Would make him look like blackface

‘Cause I like to start a fight.

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Legitimate Question For The Floridians (Sending Love From Washington State)

So in the warm parts of the world

Where the snow never falls in December

Do they still play the same Christmas carols

Or some songs Northerners don’t remember

Like “I want a gator for Christmas”

Or “Chestnuts roasting in a forest fire”

Or my particular favorite:

“There’s no snow to shovel when I retire”?

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Be Me, A 30-Year-Old Child

Wrapping paper tube

In my mind a light saber

Wife is not impressed

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I’m, Uh, Wrapping Your Gifts? (Hehehe)

It’s the holiday season

Which is great for this reason:

It’s the only time of the year

That fully guilt-free

You can cut down a tree

And tell people “Don’t come in here!”

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